According to Him.

According to the world and the evil voice in my head,
I am worthless, useless, nothing, a nobody, not good enough, a failure.

But according to Him, the One who created me,
I am His everything, beautiful, precious, a masterpiece, able, loved.
It is true.
This is the truth.
Otherwise,
He wouldn't have sacrifice His own life to bear my sins.
He wouldn't have thought of me on the cross on which He was crucified.
He wouldn't have paid the price for me to live an abundant life.
He wouldn't have given His everything for me.

I love You, Jesus. Oh my, I must be somebody to You.

Devil, I won't listen to you...because you didn't die for me.

Bahasa Kuala.

I am back in my hometown for two days. It is great to be home and have the chance to spend time with my family, and the two new dogs at home.

We went to a local coffee shop for breakfast this morning. There were a few stalls selling a variety of noodles and one particular Indian stall selling nasi lemak and roti canai.

What caught my attention in the coffee shop was the dialect the people were speaking in. They were conversing in the local Kuala (Perak) dialect in Bahasa. Words like 'bagus' is 'bagui', 'kamu' is 'hang', and etc.

After staying in KL for so long, I have somehow forgotten the amusing yet important dialect in the Kuala community, a common dialect that united all races and brought people together irregardless of background, faith and age!

I haven't been back in Kuala for a while. And it is great to be back! I love Kuala Kangsar! :)

He amuses me.

God amuses me, and He keeps me looking forward to it!

Yesterday, a squirrel walked home with me for about 30 meters. It stood up, looked at me and then ran off to a drain after that. I knew God sent it there to accompany me :)

This morning, I stepped out of my house to go to work and saw aa straight row of birds, about 20 of them, sitting still on the power line in front of my house like that Pixar short cartoon. I can't help but smile all my way to work!

Just to thank Him.

I can't contain my thankfulness to Him who answers our prayers, who provides for our needs and even more sometimes. Hence, this blog.

Yesterday night, I asked God whether I am 'redundant', whether or not I will still be used by Him because of some change in circumstances in my life which many thought as something that's against His will.

Today, He answered my prayer. I received a call from a friend who needed prayer, and so I prayed for her, and encouraged her with a verse that's stuck on my wall which I felt would speak to her. And on my way up the stairs to my office, He brought two sisters in Christ into my path who were sharing His word to the whole of Taipan that day. I had the privilege to honour them and said 'Keep up the good work!'...Then I realised that I am still being used.

That was comforting :)

He also showed again to me that He provides for my needs. I was looking for a car park space around 11am in Taipan, a well-known area for lack of parking space in USJ. So I prayed "God, please give me a nice parking space. In Jesus' name, amen."...and guess what? The fourth car on my right side ahead of me reversed, and I had a nice, shaded parking space No. 107 near my office waiting for. Haha!

Oh btw, I like number 7 :P

I only had RM10 in my wallet for lunch. But it so happened that my boss and her husband was eating in the same restaurant as me. I didn't see them because I sat facing the wall and they came in later than me. She paid for my lunch. Woohoo!

Thank God for all the good things and good people He blesses me with!

The Reason I Smile.

Cheerful; Joyful; Bubbly; Chirpy; Always Smiling; The Girl With The Big Smile.
These are the labels people always gave to me.

But the truth is, I don't always feel like smiling, and I don't have a trouble-free life. This morning was one of the mornings I woke up and didn't feel like smiling at all.

I felt tired even after I slept for almost 10 hours. I didn't feel like smiling because I know there are things ahead of me which I was too chicken to face. Difficulties are waiting for me, with pain and hurt by its sides. I didn't look forward to the day. And my struggles are mocking me.

But... above all that, the person who gave his life for me is smiling to me. He never and will never stop smiling to me as he looks at me no matter what I've done, what I've said and what my circumstances are.

Yes, I don't feel like smiling everyday. But I resolved to smile anyway because Jesus smiles to me, and at me.

I smile because my Provider will care for my every need.
I smile because my King has conquered every sin, shame, guilt, pain and fear for me.
I smile because my Refuge is always there, opening His arms wide for me to run to when I am hurt.
I smile because my Deliverer hears my cries and saves me from being destroyed by my troubles.
I smile because my Healer heals my broken heart.
I smile because my Shepherd abandons all that he has to bring me back to him.
I smile because my Redeemer has ransomed me with His life!
I smile because my Lover loves me irregardless.
I smile because my Teacher guides me and leads me in my wilderness so that I will not be consumed by confusion.
I smile...because the Creator of the universe gave His life, and made Himself available to be with a person whose life is but a breath - me.

Jesus is the reason that I smile.

:) I hope you are smiling because of him too.

A Wreck I Am.

When my vision became clearer, I realized that I am such a wreck.

I look ahead, and only see how far short I am from the goal.

But do I stop running and give in to hopelessness? Do I let the tiredness I feel in my being stop me?

No!

I fix my eyes on my goal. I keep running forward. I keep running towards my goal - Jesus.

I'd rather be in struggles.

Issues are issues, whether drastic or not.

What gives us the right to diss or judge others because they are dealing with issues that we are not? Just because we have our life right at this moment does not entitle us to comment about the not-right's in another's life in a disrespectful manner especially in front of other people.

I'd rather you don't mention that person's name in front of me. One's impression on me is for him or her to make, not for you to make.

Now I have to think twice about sharing my struggles. What if it is spoken so freely and openly to another just like how the issues of another were spoken in front of me?

Oh what the heck...

It's definitely good to have my life right. But if I lose compassion and the ability to understand what it's like in another's shoes and the sort of perspective another might have in their struggles, I'd rather be in struggles myself so that I don't become self-righteous.

At least in my struggles, I would totally understand, and will definitely learn to understand.

It's like: The best pal who can help a drug addict to break free is another drug addict who has overcome the addiction.

I'd rather be in struggles than be like you... Everyone has issues. Admit it.

Not WHAT but HOW.

I always tell others that it is what you go through that will make you.

But today, I change my stand. Whether what one goes through will make or break one depends on HOW one goes through it.

I testify that there had been times when I dealt with issues in my life with a positive attitude, keeping my eyes on the God who reigns forever and evermore; and there had been times when I dealt with issues in my life with much hopelessness, negativity, choosing to be swayed by whatever others tell me and with a wrong attitude.

In the former, I come out of my struggles victorious. Looking back, I can only see that those issues I had to face were platforms that bring me to another level. I grew due to them.

In the latter, I come out of my struggles being even more weighed down by the yoke those issues have formed over my shoulders. They remained issues not dealt with. I get stuck due to them.

I have to say that without God's help and without the truths in His Word, I would probably be facing my issues with the latter outlook. Every problem will seem like a curse. But because of Him, I am glad that every issue is a door to growth and an opportunity to bring Him glory.

With Him, truly all things work for my good, whether they are good things, or seemingly bad things (Rom 8:28). Seriously, with a God to whom I am EVERYTHING, how can things be for my destruction?

Thank God I found Him, and have Him :) God bless y'all.

Small Matters.

Why would writers of both the Old and New Testaments make it a point to write about how God cares about the tiny things in life that we think are small and not important?

Lets take a peek at just one example from each Testament:

Exodus 25 - 28
Just look at how detailed God wanted the glorious Tabernacle (and everything that has got to do with it) to be. When I first read this book, I was astonished at so many small things which God commanded the Israelites to do. Was all that really necessary?

Matthew 10:30, Luke 12:7
The very hairs on my head are numbered!
Seriously, as long as there are hairs on my head, I don't really care what's the number...though the thickness does :P

We live our lives going through the ups and downs, focusing mostly on the big-important matters because they are simply big and 'important'. Some of us have actually forgotten about the small matters altogether, and dismissed them as unnecessary, and need no attention at all.

However, things which are small don't mean that they are not important. Just like how a stranger smiled at me this morning while I was walking along the corridor at the court complex, and that smile maybe small, but it made a difference! Things like saying thank you to anyone who helped in anyway at all, sharing an umbrella with someone who's stuck in the rain and helping someone pick up books that fell to the ground are small, but they do matter.

I became so disgruntled after giving someone a lift home last night because that person didn't ask me how I was doing and didn't say thank you when getting off my car, simply slammed the door and left. It was a very very silent drive too (minus the conversations I made to know how that person's life is lately). Although I didn't express how I felt, I had to stop and think, "Why did I react that way? It's really small...but it affected me so much."...I was glad that now I know how it's like to be a chauffeur.

Last week, I got scolding from two strangers, on two different days, at two different locations, for really small reasons (one of it wasn't even my fault). I had to get to somewhere isolated and cool down so that I didn't burst out in anger in front of them. Honestly, they are really small matters, but they affected me at a larger scale than the relative 'size' I gave them.

Well, the truth is: Small matters don't make them don't-matter's.

Now I know why God wants us to cast all our cares, whether big or small, unto Him, not just because He wants to take care of all our needs and help us through our concerns, but also because He knows that small things DO matter to our lives.

Just as He is a person who likes details and how small things matter to Him, we being created in His image, are the same. Without these small matters, sooner or later we'll lose the joy in living within a community, and lose our 'lives' because we have become mere robotic creatures that do only those things that seemingly matter more.

For me, yes big things do matter, but the small things are part and parcel of life, the ones that cling on to my journey in dealing with the big things. Small matters do matter.

God bless! ;)

Some '25' Facts.

Just because I turn 25 today.

1. Thomas Clarkson was 25 when he won the annual Latin essay contest at Cambridge in 1785 on 'slavery' which drove him to be the pioneer behind the movement for abolition of slavery in England.

2. The first man in space, Yurin Gagarin, has in his spaceship a sealed envelope with a single white sheet on which was written the number 25 - the code to activate manual control of the spaceship in the event the automatic systems failed.

3. 25 Minutes, that's my all time favourite Michael Learns To Rock song :D

4. 5 x 5 = 25!

5. You will have to pay RM32 for posting a package that weighs 25 kgs with Pos Laju for local town delivery.

6. Edward Norton acted in a movie called 25th Hour.

7. Indonesia has won 25 Olympic Games medals so far, 6 of them are gold medals, 9 silver and 10 bronze.

8. The population of Saudi Arabia is 25 million.

9. 25 Words Or Less is a board game that I'd like to try ;)

10. The chicken satay at Balik Pulau, Penang costs only 25 cents each!

11. We celebrate Christmas on the 25th day of December every year.

12. Brunei celebrated its 25 years of independence in the year 2009.

Ok....I think I ran out of '25' facts now.

A Quarter Century On Planet Earth.

Happy birthday to me :)

I am on Earth for 25 years officially. That's about 13,140,000 minutes...

I do enjoy life here, and I thank God for each day because He tells me how much He loves me with every single experience and minute spent on Earth. I praise Him for having the idea of creating me (and executing that idea) so that He can take me on this adventurously beautiful and wonderful journey of being a first-hand witness to all that beauty of His.

It is such an honour and privilege to be born on this very day 25 years ago.

But when I think about what have I done for Him, I am so ashamed to say that I didn't really do much. In comparison to what He has done for humanity, the total sum of all I did is so puny :P

However, I am glad that I am here on Earth not to just do, do, do and work, work work, but to live, live, live.

I am looking forward to many more great adventures with God ;)

I hope you will share the same excitement I feel on your birthday too.

How long can I withstand it?

I always knew that there is something bigger than myself.

But why is it so painful to bear?

I looked in the streets and see men & women high on drugs, infected with HIV, identity-less, tormented.

I looked at the next generation of this nation and see kids who are abused, disillusioned, lost, broken.

I looked in the systems adminitering this nation and see corruption, selfishness, unstability, injustice.

I can only keep declaring that He reigns no matter how things look like. But I want to use these hands, feet and voice to make a difference. What can I do?

My fragile heart is too small to contain the burden it carries.

How long can I withstand it before it explodes?

When I Think Of You.

Paul wrote to the Ephesians and expressed how thankful he is for the siblings in Christ in Ephesus because of their faith and the love they showed to others.

I've had the time to think of all those who have walked alongside me in my adventurous and wonderful God-journey for the past 4 years. Some were with me longer than others. But I feel like how Paul felt towards the Ephesians - thankful, very very thankful.

No one is perfect and there had been some who sand-papared me and got on my nerves, but it was God's way of shaping me. In the end, it was really for my good.

When I looked back and witnessed the change that took place in the lives of all these people, I can only do one thing, borrowing the words of Paul "I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers...".

So if you are wondering what is in my mind when I think of you, I am thankful for you :)

God bless ya.

Toll-tertainment.

Allison and Justin have gone back to the UK for 3 weeks. After dropping them at KLIA, the drive home was hard...I was so sleepy zzzzzzz

The loud music or karaoke didn't help. I sped, in order that I can reach home faster and not be on the road any second longer because being on the road in that state is hazardous.

When my own efforts couldn't take away my sleepiness anymore, I prayed to God and said "God, please help me stay awake until I reach home, do anything...whatever."

Then, I reached the toll and this toll attendant, a Malay guy, was singing "I like to move it move it, I like to move it move it, I like to move it move it... (the Madagascar song)" out loud, totally oblivious to the fact that I was staring at him while he bobbed up and down to the song and handed me my toll ticket.

I laughed all the way home :D

God is soooooo funny!

Not Too Attached.

Friends - some won't always be there, but some will be there for us through everything...or will they really?

I'm turning a quarter century old soon. In my 25-minus-2-weeks years of life here on planet Earth and all the experience I've had with people in my world who I dubbed as 'friend', the conclusion I can make is that no one will really be there for their friends through everything, except for one Person - Jesus. (Thank God at least there's 1!)

The good ones left deeper footprints on my heart while many just touched and went. The ones that I hung out most with (and trusted most) in the past 3 years are either now overseas and getting married OR getting married soon and leaving Malaysia OR flew to Melbourne to study for 6 months (without a doubt will be 6 months plus a couple more) OR occupied with an expanding business and a family to take care of...even the potential ones have potential opportunities coming that will change the status quo established in our friendship, if any at all.

Maybe I feel the change more than those who actually live with their family. Being away from home since 11 has made me value friendships so much more. It was my friends who really went through more than half my life with me. It sucks to know and acknowledge that they too have their own lives to live and they won't be there for everything forever.

As I thought about this and expressed my sentiments to God, He reminded me of one very important truth about this - my life here on Earth is only temporary and there is nothing I can take with me when I return to Him, thus there is no point or eternal benefit to get too attached to anything in the world, that includes friends whom He graciously blessed me with. Friends are to be appreciated, not worshiped...except for Jesus of course.

That'll work :) I think...

Dirty Oil.

Jealousy and envy can be so strong that they can cause one to hate.

They are dirty oil in the engine. A car can run on dirty oil, but it is a matter of time before the engine dies because dirty oil damages the engine gradually.

The forces emanating from jealousy and envy can be strong, but they are evil, and damaging to the heart. But praise God! His love, like Lily Potter's love for her son, is stronger than all forces of evil combined. He is more powerful than the power of jealousy and envy.

No matter how much clean oil is poured into a container of dirty oil, the oil won't become clean. The end result of mixing both will still be dirty oil.

But the truth is this - Jesus' blood washed all that dirt away and cleansed our hearts. It's purity is strong enough to transform dirty oil into clean, good oil, all because He shed His blood to set us free. Free from hatred, free from sin, free from the power of jealousy and envy that slowly eat us up inside. The voices we hear in our heads telling us that we are bound in chains of jealousy and envy are just lies to make us fall when in reality, there wasn't even a bump on the road to trip us.
By His blood, our hearts have been made clean.

He died on the cross to show us that He has conquered them all for us. And because He lives in us, we too can conquer jealousy and envy in us. Their power has been broken. We have indeed been set free.

No more dirty oil... Yipee!

Funny Evening.

Just found out from a friend who came from Bangkok, Thailand that five in Siamese is 'Hah'.

So when they SMS or chat on MSN, they type this to express 'laughing' - 5555.
Hahahaha!

On my way out of the Sunway Pyramid car park, I saw this car parked somewhere with the number plate 'DAL'. Made me think of roti canai dal :P

I laughed a lot today.

Awesome! Haven't been able to laugh like that for a few months already :)

Funny Morning.

God is so funny!

While I was driving to Shah Alam this morning on this straight road, I was able to observe the cars on the other side of the road because the traffic was slow.

You should do it sometime, it is amusing!

The first driver I saw was this lady with long curly hair. She had a really serious face, like she was angry at someone.
The car after hers was this man with another passenger in front. He had this wide grin on his face. Seemed like he was enjoying the chat with the other person in the car.
The third car was a red and white taxi. The taxi driver had his shoulders hunched over the wheel, he was really focused on the road, like trying not to hit the car in front.
The fourth car was a four wheel drive, an uncle was driving it. This was the champion. He was digging his nose furiously.
4 cars back to back, all had different facial expressions. I stopped at the fourth car and just laughed out loud :D

And then when I reached the Shah Alam court, there was a notice outside one of the courts with the e-mail address for correspondences. It was : littlesolicitor_(some numbers I forgot)@yahoo.com.

LOL

God is sooooo funny!

No is not the End.

Mark 5:18-20

The demon-possessed man who got healed by Jesus wanted to follow him in the rest of his journey away from Gerasenes. After having experienced Jesus' mercy and grace, who wouldn't want to go with him?

But Jesus didn't allow the man to go with him and the rest of his disciples. Instead he asked the man to tell of his goodness back at home.

The man didn't say a word or complain about not being able to follow him and go with the rest. He went home and did exactly as he was told - and everyone marveled.

If I was that man, I would have complained and made a big fuss about not being allowed to go with Jesus and the rest of his gang! That man's submissive behaviour amazes me! There was certainly a better plan for him back home and greater things for him there. He didn't assume that he knew what's best for himself. I guess he knew that Jesus' words can be held on to.

When Jesus said 'No' to him, it didn't mean that he's not good enough to follow the rest, but rather it simple means his calling is not that! It also didn't mean that it is the end of the journey for that man. There was definitely more for him, just not with the rest, but elsewhere.

When God says 'No' to something, it is not THE END.

;) God loves you soooooo much. You think He would want to sabotage your life? Nuh!

My 10 MJ Facts.

1. All time favourite video clip: Black or White.
2. All time favourite song: The Girl Is Mine.
3. How famous is he in my world? - Even my 70 over year old grandma knows him.
4. One person I know who looks like him: (just a bit) Noel Chelliah :D
5. Favourite Jackson sibling: Janet Jackson.
6. Best dance routine: It's a tie lah....Thriller and Beat it!.
7. Most outrageous hairstyle: http://www.rockmusicart.com/images/product_images/Michael_Jackson.jpg
8. Best outfit: http://evelkneivel.com/thriller.gif
9. Favourite dance move: The 'lean'. It's amazing how he did it!
10. I don't think he did all that bad stuff people said he did.

-The End-

Blurness Embarasses.

Two days ago, I went to work in the blurrest mode ever in this year. My body was awake, but my mind was definitely still in deep slumber. I was going to work in trance, haha.

And so I walked up to this little truck at Taipan parked near my office that sells nasi lemak. I wanted to buy breakfast there, as I do most of the mornings.

I had NASI LEMAK in my mind. But before I could channel that thought to my mouth, it blurted, "Bang, satu NASI GORENG."

The nasi lemak seller laughed at me, and guess what? There was another customer there, and he laughed at me too. To add to the embarassment, I tried to cover up, "Kamu goreng nasi tu sekarang lah..."

They both laughed even harder. Oh, how embarassing!

When I Met You.

Hey You,

When I met You, my life before that point has become negligible.
It no longer matter.
It was as though life had only really began at the moment I found You
...or rather You found me.

Truly I say to You: my life is found in You.

Te Amo.

Up For the Challenge?

Someone very dear to me recently asked me a good question: Have you ever challenged God?

"Well, like you tell God if He make this happen, then you will do something."

When I just began to know Jesus, I always challenge him that way. For example, I remember vividly saying to him that if he helped me get back this deposit I paid to my college, I will give it all in offering on Sunday. There are many more challenges I gave him, and some really put me to shame :P

My first ever challenge to God was this - that He show me that He is real, because I really wanted to know if He is real. Guess what? He did show up, and so did the many times I challenged Him. But the question is, did I keep my part of the bargain all the time? You can guess the answer to that...

I don't know when was the point in time that I stopped challenging God already. It felt like ages since I last did that. The Bible said to not put God to test (Deuteronomy 6:16). But I stopped challenging God not because of that verse, rather, I stopped because as I grew closer to God and got to know Him so much more.

I was such an idiot to challenge God :P I am just a human being that's full with flaws and incapable in so many ways. To challenge a God who is All-Mighty, All-Powerful, All-Knowing and who created this universe is really an idiotic attempt that is doomed to failure without exception. HAHA.

There is really no point in challenging God. Nothing is too difficult for Him (Genesis 18:14), and nothing is impossible for Him (Luke 1:37). I've learnt that in challenging God, I am just using it as an excuse to either not believe in Him or not obeying Him, putting the blame on Him instead of trusting in Him and His goodness & faithfulness. In other words, I am masking my lack of faith with seemingly reasonable request for God to show up first, when in fact He is already there.

Throughout my months of walking with God, I picked up that by challenging God, I am actually putting myself to a test that will not do me any good in the long run. With each challenge I put to God, I am showing to Him that I am not a person who can be trusted with the bigger things that God has in store for me because I don't trust Him.

It's like a father who is and will be giving the son the best things already simply because the father loves the son. But one day the son came to him and said "Dad, why don't you help my business prosper, and then I will acknowledge that you love me." Can you imagine the hurt to the father's heart when he hears that?

The truth that doesn't change is that God loves us and God's nature is to bless and to give without holding back. Only He knows what is best for us, and when is the right timing to give us bigger things as only He will know when we are ready and responsible enough to handle the bigger things that He will eventually give to us. But when we challenge Him, we are belittle-ing how big He is and how powerful He is, pulling Him down to our wordly standards instead of lifting our expectations to His level.

Shortly said, God is definitely and is always up for the challenge. But are we up for the challenge?

You have a need?

The one constant thing in life is 'change'. Another constant is 'need'.

When I was younger, I thought having a need is a bad thing, because I thought it means I wasn't capable enough to make sure that that need is covered. Simply said, I didn't do enough, that's why there is a need.

But as I age, I have learnt to live with having needs. It is perfectly normal, and human, to have needs. In fact, it is when one stop needing for something that one stops life altogether.

But unmet needs are really a pain in the a** sometimes. So having needs are normal, but having unmet needs are frustrating. What am I suppose to do with them then?

I took this to the Lord, check out what He said:

All things happen for the good of those who love Me. And it is My will that all will know me, and taste how good I am and how much I love them. I allow needs in your life not to torture you or to purposely make you lack in something. Needs are there so that I can come through for you on them, and then you will see how much I love you. I put a need in your life, but it is also I who will provide for it. Really, I just want you to know how much I love you :)

Everyday, He wants to tell me how much He loves me in everything that happens...even in my needs.

You have a need? Great!! Cos you're about to receive His grace, love, mercy. Don't fret, aight?

On Purpose

Genesis 2:18 - The Lord God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

When God created woman, Adam was too busy running around bushes and naming animals. He couldn't be bothered :P

Woman was and still is God's idea. It was God who wanted to create woman so that Adam, or rather the male-man, can have someone to share the love that God gave to him.
God created woman on only one basis - love.
And it wasn't on accident, nor for fun.
God created woman on purpose. She was His idea.

How awesome is that? ;) I am His idea and created on purpose. Whoa!

I Wonder...

Hey You,

I know You created us all. But the fact is not all of us know that, and not all of us know You.
You must feel really sad about that, especially when You see Your creation run around like a headless fly (with legs :P) and live life directionless without a shepherd.

I know it is Your desire that none shall perish and that all will know You.

I really wonder....Why don't You tell them straight?

He Keeps Me Walking Home.

I hadn't eaten all day. I didn't really sleep last night. It was a long day at work. And my shoulders hurt.

When it was time to walk home, I dragged my feet all the way. That's not me!
What is wrong? I feel an unhealthy burden in my heart. Such an agonizing sorrow is tormenting me. Where did it come from? I had no idea. The next thing I know, I was tearing on my walk home.

I didn't care if anyone was looking. The hunger I felt was nothing in comparison to the sorrow. I then understood how some can hurt their physical bodies to externalise the pain in them which was ten, hundred times greater then the outward pain. It makes them feel, at least, that they are alive.

If there is a noun for something that is more dead than a zombie, I will be it today....

Then I thought of Jesus. He had sleepless nights, hungry days and much pain and physical torture right before He was crucified. I thought "How did you even find the strength to take it all the way to Calvary? I already wanted to give up 5 times on this 10 minutes walk home..."

But then, even if there was deep sorrow in his heart, there was something else way stronger and overpowering - love. He loved me, and you, and everyone else so much that even if it's super-duper-hard-painful to go all the way to Calvary, He would. Simply because to Him, IT IS ALL WORTH IT.

I am worth it to Jesus. It was me, you and everyone else that motivated and drove Him to the cross. I thought "I need something to drive me home, this 10 minutes walk is too long!"

In a split second which felt like ages, I ran through all the things I could make into what drives me...and I chose Jesus himself. I need Him, and even more so today.

I started brisk-walking home, eager to just get into my room and run into His embrace. And I did. I cried my lungs out in His arms, telling Him in the intervals between my sobs and a mixture of both about the sorrow I felt and how it tormented me, committed all that to Him and asked Him to lift it up, and whoa....I feel so much better now :)

A taste of disobedience.

Being a parent must be hard, especially to have your kid disobeying you when what you asked of them is really for their best.

I am not a parent (yet). But two weeks ago, I got a taste of how it feels like to have someone I treat as my kid to disobey me.

There was this kid I teach at a tuition centre my friend ran for underachieving kids in this place. She's smart and sharp, but she obviously doesn't know that. Two weeks ago, she totally disobeyed all my instructions to the the kids in my small class and simply refused to do anything I asked them to do. She started throwing her exercise book on the floor, screaming at another kid and then rubbed her exercise book furiously until it tore.

I had a very good reason to be angry at her behaviour. It was affecting the others in the small class too. Calming her down wasn't helping (maybe I suck at that :P). But strangely I didn't feel bit angry at all.

I was heartbroken, instead.

There is so much in her and I love her to bits. When she behaved so badly that day, I wanted to cry. I was sad that she disobeyed me, not angry. I can't imagine what's going on in her head then. However, I learnt from this experience that my God feels exactly the same way too when I disobey Him.

The last thing He wants to do is to punish me. He is slow to anger, quick to forgive. It would really break His heart if I disobeyed Him. He would be sad first... like how I felt that day two weeks ago.

Great lesson :)

999

This is another story of Malaysia being a boleh-land, where, really, anything can happen.

I had an emergency at home two days ago. It was 12am. I wanted to call the local police station but I didn't know their number. So I dialed '999', and guess what?

NO ANSWER.

It just rang on and on until I had to hang up.

Come on?! Someone could have died in my house that night.
I double-checked the next day whether the emergency number for the police is 999. It was indeed 999...sigh...

Too Demanding, Or Not.

It's no longer shocking nor surprising to get news of another incident of arbitrary use of powers by those entrusted with the enforcement of laws and civil rights in Malaysia. It happens. The only thing not constant about it is the frequency of it being reported in the news.

With the recent arrest of political scientist and Monash University lecturer, Wong Ching Huat, a series of other related arrests took place. Civilians who showed concern for the current instability in the Perak state assembly and Wong's arrest got arrested. The solicitors and legal aiders who represent those civilians got arrested. Looking at the rate the police is arresting people, I wonder if a person who merely walks pass the Traverse Police Station will get arrested.

None of the above persons was in anyway a threat to the peace and order of this nation, considering the fact that there is none at this moment. A guy sent a mass message out to others to wear black got arrested. And lawyers who were merely discharging their legal duty got arrested, not to mention one of them were only there because she had to drive her friend home. Tell me if there is order. The only order I see is the police repetitively arresting people. Perhaps we all end up in the lock-up, and no one is left on the streets, means peace and order. Haha.

This incident made headlines. But this is only one incident that did. Can you think of all the lay persons whose civil rights were infringed in the process of being arrested, or charged in court for a criminal offense without compliance with the necessary formalities to ensure the powers given to the law enforcers are not used according to their own whims and fancies? They are unheard of and unreported. And each time, the police escapes from the rightful consequences of misuse of their powers. What's worse...how many innocent people were denied their basic rights and put behind bars?

The arbitrary use of the powers by law enforcers is serious as it means civilians are constantly being denied their basic rights, such as the right to be legally represented, and the right to be informed of the offense that they are being arrested for.

It is only natural for us to demand an explanation and public apology for that from those who were involved, and those to whom they are accountable to. When no such explanation or reasonable justifications were given to support their actions, demanding for the resignation of the OCPD, the IGP and the Home Minister, is not too demanding. We live in a democratic country. If you can't perform, we would love to have someone else who can on that seat.

What say you?

If you like badminton...

For more information, please call Mr Hooi -0122139198.

A song that lifts me up

The heart is stronger than you think
Like it can go through anything
And even when you think it can't
It finds a way to just push on though

Sometimes you want to run away
Ain't got the patience for the pain
And if you don't believe it
Look into your heart
The beat goes on

I'm tellin' you that
Things get better
Through whatever

If you fall
Dust it off
Don't let up

Don't you know
You can go be your own miracle

You need to know
If the mind keeps thinking you've had enough
But the heart keeps telling you don't give up

Who are we to be questioning
Wondering what is what
Don't give up
Through it all just stand up

(This is stuck in my head)

Governmentless.

Went back to KK for Mother's Day, only to be welcomed home by a police road block :-S

There was some really dramatic show in the state assembly a couple of days ago. Security guards had to carry the chairperson out. Many would have thought things like this only happen in Taiwan. Well, I guess the motto does say something about us Malaysians... "Malaysia boleh!".

It's sad to know that politically, Perak is still unstable. The state government is illegal. We don't even know who is in charge for administration of the state.

We are stuck in between, and that sucks.

It is no wonder so many have lost hope in the states and constituencies representatives. They use beautifully tailored agendas to get the people's trust, but seemed to fail to deliver what they promised initially. Yes, no doubt there maybe difficulties in implementing their plans due to opposition (be it from the Fedral government or the Opposition itself), ultimately, the ones at lost and victimised are the people.

Did we vote for the right candidate? Or perhaps, our choices were simply the lesser of two, or more, evils?

I wonder...if I can make a difference.

It's OK, He Understands

I didn't want to leave a gap in the things I do. I hate to let go so suddenly, but I have no choice.

Things have gotten out of control. I bet you've been there before.

Even if no soul on earth does understand, it doesn't matter, because Jesus totally understand why I made that choice. And that is enough.

(If you are reading this and are going through the same thing, I hope this encourages you.)

Dad, You Are So Right.

Yesterday, I came too close to Death. He got his hands on me, and I smelled him wherever I go.

You're so stupid! He whispered.
Gosh, you are sooooo ugly. He jeered.
No one will accept you. He scoffed at me.
You will be alone forever. He shouted.
You won't be able to stand the pain. He commented.
Just end it, give up! He exclaimed.
You're disgusting. He insulted.
What a blunder you've made, tsk tsk tsk. He said.
You are so weak. He pointed out.
You're a total failure. He sneaked.

This is a real battle. I know my Saviour is fighting it with me, and for me.

'Jesus! Where are you?!!!' I cried out loud, only to be responded with stillness... and silence.
Then, Death kept quiet too. Dad must have shut him up. I thought... He was right by my side, and I asked "Why do I have to go through so many heartbreaks while others can have happily-ever-after stories? This excruciating pain is too much!"

Dad looked at me with the most tender eyes, with a glint of hurt in them, and asked "Do you trust me?"

Guilty! I sighed, "Sorry, I do..."

He pursed his lips, then said "I've got greater plans for you. Being comfortable won't get you anywhere. This part of you must die for more of me to come into you. Even when you walked through the valley of shadow of death, be it your own death or not, I will be with you. My rod and my staff shall comfort you."

...and most shockingly, He said "You are precious to me. And I AM RAVISHED by your beauty." I rolled my eyes and thought "Yeah, if there is any!"

"Don't see yourself as ugly just because they all end up with prettier ones. You must see how I see you. Would you rather someone like you for your good looks, or you would rather have someone like you for looking like ME inside?Appearence is of no value to me."

Gosh, Dad heard my thoughts :P
Sigh, Dad...You are so right.

"And stop crying already. The car beside you will get into an accident because the driver is looking at you crying." And yes, she was looking at me.

Ooops... :P

Walk Away.

Every cut to it
Every pain it took
From the words you said
From the things you did
Brick by brick
Piled up around my heart
Little did I know
That walls have been built around my heart

Tearing them down
Was not easy
I had to face the fears
I had to take chances
I might get hurt again
Or never love again
But in the end
His grace helped me through

My heart is now open
Waiting for His appointment
Knowing for sure
That His plan is so that I prosper
Then you came and said
Mistakes were what you made
You wanted 2nd chance
And tell me that I'm the one

What's the point?
She was what you wanted
She was who you chose
Just after a couple of days you said
That you want me to be the only one
Sorry to say
It's now too late
I found my completeness, I am now whole

Even though they say
'Why are you so cruel?'
But I am so secured
I will not be fooled
I can't complete you
I can't quench your thirst
It MUST be His unconditional love
You get complete first

It's not easy now
For me to say this
But I must walk away
I will walk away

:) :-) (",)

:)

A smile is infectious. Yes, it does funny things to my mind, sending me all the warm, fuzzy signals, melting my heart just slightly so my heartbeat remains normal.

A stranger old Indian lady smiled back at me yesterday morning. It triggered a whole train of thoughts, inevitably leading me back to the Creator of the world and 'smile's.

The cutest part was she wished me 'Good morning' in her sweet small voice when she walked pass me! Aww...she looked at me and I looked right into her eyes during that milisecond of verbal exchange. And I smiled even wider to her...and watched her give me a tiny nod. I looked at her until she walked out of sight, hunching a little.

This was my thought:
Truly, behind all those signs of age and physical deterioration, there can be immense beauty that touches the depths of one's heart. She was SO BEAUTIFUL.

That's the sort of beauty that touches souls. She reminded me of how God can be there caring for me even in the midst of trials and pain. She was a tiny reflection of who He is - SO BEAUTIFUL.

I can see rest in her eyes, hear strength in her voice, and feel God in her smile. That smile made such a huge difference to my day...and she was just a stranger.

:)

Love Note No.5

Proper Correction
www.tonycampolo.org

Trying to figure out how to correct a child is a difficult, but a brilliant story was told to me by the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi as an example of how it is best done.

Gandhi was born in South Africa, and after his university training, he went to India to lead the struggle against British colonialism. He had every intention of returning to South Africa to lead the struggle against apartheid, but sadly, as we all know, he was assassinated before he could do that. Gandhi's son took up his father's commitment to end apartheid, and so the family returned to South Africa to work toward that end.

His grandson Arun Gandhi told me that one day his father asked him to drive him to a meeting in Johannesburg.

"My father asked me to drop off the automobile at the repair garage and then be back at five o'clock to pick him up," he said.

The grandson went on to say,

"I dropped my father off for his meeting and got the car to the garage by one. Since it was a long time until five o'clock, I figured I could go to the movies, which I did. That day there was a double feature being shown, and when I got out I checked my watch and realised that it was past five o'clock!

"I rushed to the corner where my father had said he would be waiting for me, and when I saw him there, standing in the rain, I tried to think of excuses I could make. I rushed up to him and said,
"Father, you must forgive me. It is taking them longer to repair the automobile than I thought it would take, but if you wait here I will go and get the car. It should be ready by now."

"My father bowed his head and looked downward. He stood for a long moment and then he said, "When you were not here at our meeting time I called the garage to see why you were late. They told me the automobile was ready at three o'clock! Now I have to give some thought as to how I have failed, so as to have a son who would lie to his own father. I will have to think about this. So I am going to walk home and use the time during my walk to meditate on this question."

Arun Gandhi said,

"I followed my elderly father home that rainy, misty night, watching him stagger along the muddy road. I rode behind him with headlights of the car flashing ahead of his steps. And as I watched him stumbling toward home, I beat on the steering wheel and said over and over,
"I will never lie again!
I will never lie again!
I will never lie again!

It was obvious that this was a way of correcting a child that did not involve punishing the child directly, but showed the child how much hurt a parent feels when a child does what is wrong.

Love Note No. 4

"Do You Really Love Me?"
http://sivinkit.net

I will always remember what an old man told me. He said, before you close your eyes to meet the maker, significant moments of your life resurface in your mind. I am now moments away from my own execution, and I cannot help but remember the eventful day when I walked on the beach for the last time with my friends and my mentor.

We talked about "Love".

Love. I thought I knew what that meant. I believed I had it all sorted out - attraction to another woman, attention to children, even allegiance to my nation, my people, my religion. It was energizing, it captured my imagination, I was on fire...I was on the right side.

When we first met on the beach, he said to me, "Come and follow me." My life was never the same again. We walked the dusty roads of Palestine together. I began to see the terror of love more than the terror of hate.

He opened blind eyes.
He touched the untouchable.
He threw parties for prostitutes.
He played with children on the streets.
He was different, he spoke of a different way of loving.
He was love in action.
He was my friend.
I loved him.

But then one say everything went down the drain. He was arrested; my mentor. He became a threat to the powers. When he needed me most, when I could have stood up to be counted, when it mattered most - I failed. I screwed up. I denied him. Not once, not twice - three times!

I denied him three times.

But he saw it coming. I thought I would die for him - I told him I'd die for him.

But at the end, he died for me.

So when he came back, (yes, he came back from the dead), I couldn't ask for a second chance. No, surely that was too much to ask! I had already stepped onto the 'wrong' side. I betrayed my friend. I shattered the love between us.

We were walking on the beach when he asked,

"Do you love me?"

Do I love him?
What am I supposed to say?
Did I love him as a friend?
...but I had betrayed him.
Did I love him as a mentor?
...but I had denied him.
But did I love him?

I answered, "Yes". Perhaps, I could still love him with conditions and more realistic limits.

He answered,
"Go feed the hungry, and love people..."

He didn't stop. He asked again,
"Do you love me?"

I thought I could get away with the first answer. But there was no escape to his gentle piercing voice. It cut through my heart. I dug deep. Even though I had messed up, I still loved him and with whatever little I had left within me - maybe, I could still squeeze something out.

"Yes" I replied.

"Go and feed the hungry, and love people along the way..."

"Do you love me?"

He asked once more.

My mind crashed. My heart crumbled. I had nothing left to say...Did I love him unconditionally? Did I at least want to love him unconditionally? Could I still love him after failing more than once? Should I even dare to love him and do what he asked me to do, even after messing-up the way I did? Why isn't his love conditional? Why doesn't he lay out a new set of requirements for someone like me?

I knew I had nothing to hide from him - I was a wreck.
I was in pieces. I was a coward.
I was nobody. I had nothing.
I was nothing.
I thought I knew what love was.
The truth is - I didn't.
The truth is, I still don't.
At least not in the way he did.

He loved me unconditionally. His tears washed away my shame. His voice healed my soul. He cleared my guilt with just one look. His words picked me up. His questions didn't condemn me, instead, they put me back together again.

So I could still follow him a second time. So I could have a second chance. Was I to take it?

"Go and feed the hungry, and love people along the way...and you will be taken to places you don't want to go."

My life was no longer my own. Unconditional love changes you that way. It changes what you are attracted to. It directs what you pay attention to. It realigns who and what you give your allegiance to. Unconditional love breaks into pieces all the false securities I once held on to, put me together again, and showed me the road to true freedom, hope and courage.

I will breathe my last breath soon. Yet, I feel peace. I will meet him in a while. I walked away from our last stroll on the beach a new man. The years after that turned out to be the best years of my life. I can truly say now, I know to some measure what he meant by 'love' - unconditional love. Like him this new man was arrested to be crucified, and yet, I am still unworthy to die in the same way as my friend and master. This old man in me will die with no regret for saying "Yes" to his unconditional love and "Yes" to his call to "Go and feed the hungry, love people along the way."

I can truly say now - "Yes, I do love him". Because, once upon a time, when he asked,

"Do you love me?"
it was just his way of saying,
"I love you unconditionally, Peter".

Love Note No. 3

Love is what makes you smile when you are tired. - said a 4 year old

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. - said a 7 year old

Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imginable. - said Gandhi

Love is an act of endless forgiveness. A tender look which becomes a habit. - said Peter Ustinov

Love is not blind - It sees more and not less, but because it sees more it is willing to see less. - said Will Moss

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. - said Frank A. Clerk

Love is a choice we make because we see a cause greater than ourselves, and that cause is this _ LOVE. - said Sin Yee (hehe)

Love Note No. 2

Rachel lives in The Pit - the messiest street in town where hopelessness and brokenness lurk in every corner. Rachel is always in rags, with dirt on her hands and face, and Fears and Failures were her shoes. Rachel is the 'reject', violated countless times, and don't see any worth in herself anymore.

HE is the royal prince, an heir to the kingdom above kingdoms whom his father loves. He is the most handsome man alive, strong and courageous. Daring and pure. Wisest among the princes, and totally a hunk all women scatter after :) He always wear Joy as his shirt, Hope as his pants, and Love as his shoes. His favourite hat, which he puts on everyday, is Compassion. Despite of all the women scattering after him, he was looking for someone who can fit into his heart perfectly.

Rachel and him are worlds apart in every single way. Yet...

He found her in The Pits while taking a stroll on purpose. Driven by Compassion, He rescued her and rode on his white glorious horse with Rachel to his beautiful kingdom. He cleaned her, got her new clothes, and cared for her. Since then he never left her side.

So many looked at Rachel with disgust in their eyes, some with much disapproval. When Rachel and him walk together, they asked aloud as if on purpose 'How did they end up together?', 'What is a prince like him doing with a reject like her?' Each time this happened, he would tighten his arm around her shoulder even when Rachel wanted to break loose from it due to shame. She would try harder at being perfect for him, but would fail miserably each time she tried.

One day, he looked Rachel straight in her eyes with such fiery and said in his tender, piercing voice, "Stop trying. Just let me be strong for you." Rachel was flabbergasted. But deep down inside, she knew that he was the strength she needed.

The truth is Rachel never dreamt of this. No one ever looked at her, what more take an interest in her. But she knew this to be true - He saw something in her that nobody else could see. He made a pair of sneakers, Faithfulness and Goodness, and found her to be the one who fitted them perfectly. Fears and Failures were burnt to ashes in the fire. He wanted her to walk and even run on Faithfulness and Goodness. He didn't care what others would say, because to him it was all worth it. And Rachel, knowing that she's the wimpiest and weakest person she has ever known herself, was desperate for that strength.

Rachel chose to let him be strong for her. It the midst of opposition and trials, it was his love that kept her strong. Rachel only had to look down at her shoes, and she would run faster and better each time after she tripped. He made his promises firm for her. His unwavering love he kept purposely for her.

Rachel will never forget what he said...

"Let me be strong for you."

Rachel is so glad she made that choice - to let him be strong for her instead of trying to be stong herself. She is so so glad. The strength he offered was what made her COMPLETE.

Love Note No. 1

The best comedian in the whole wide world...
The best physician in the whole wide world...
The best musician and composer in the whole wide world...
The best painter and artist in the whole wide world...
The best architect and events manager in the whole wide world...
The most DARING and attractive man alive...
The manliest man and most passionate person in the whole wide world...
The most tender-hearted person in the whole wide world...
The revealer of all mysteries...

...chose to love me
...chose to uncover himself for me
...chose me.

*Thud* Sin Yee fainted.

Someone please call the ambulance :P

You've got SMS!

What do you do with the SMS's in your phone?

Do you:
A) Store them all in your inbox until you have to delete some to make space for new ones? OR
B) Delete them all after you have read them and replied to the sender? OR
C) Save only the nice, touching, funny, cool, inspirational, encouraging or important ones and delete the rest?

I receive an average of 4 SMS's a day. So that's 28 SMS's a week, 112 SMS's a month 1,344 SMS's a year! That figure excludes the floodgate of SMS's coming in during festive seasons and birthday. If only I can keep all of them... But what's the point, right?

:)

Few years ago, I was still using Nokia 2210 and I can only store up to 20 SMS's (or was it 10) in my inbox. I took an idea from a friend who suggested that I get a notebook to jot down all the nice SMS's I received so that I can make space for new ones. Brilliant! I did do that, but only for the SMS's from my ex. There were altogether three notebooks full of SMS's from him. Thank goodness I lost them all and have absolutely no idea where they are now. I can't even remember any of the SMS's written down in those notebooks, which I truly thank God for :P

I no longer jot down any nice SMS's I received, though I save some in my inbox for a period of time until I think I can delete it. So I skimmed through the ones I have now and here are a few which I like (please don't mind the SMS language):

1. One day the villagers decided to pray for rain...On the day of prayer everyone gathered, only i boy came with an umbrella...That's CONFIDENCE...When you throw a 1 year old baby in the air, he laughs because he knows you will catch him...That's TRUST...Every night, we go to bed, we're not sure that we'll get up tomorrow. but we still have many plans for the coming day...That's HOPE...Have confidence in prayer, trust in God and never lose hope...These are boosters of FAITH... (Sender: Stephanie Kew)

2. Hv u eva xperiencd joy dt made u cry?News dt kept u speechles?Favor u neva merited?Xpect al thes & mor as u go in2 2oo9. Hapi new year (Sender: Anonymous)

3. I no longer recall whether knowing u is like a rainy day or a sunny day, but I just remember that feeling is like the bright sun rays, and soaking of a heart that's never been soaked before. I don't know how much further the journey is, but I do know that no matter how long it has been, our friendship doesn't change (Sender: Ramesh, translated into English from Chinese)

Some SMS's are life-changing. Don't underestimate the power of it, haha.
Hope you receive a nice one today!

Seven Pounds...and seven pailful of tears.

Will Smith's acting has gone up two notches. It was superbly brilliant. Seeing how he developed from being the Fresh Prince of BeL-Air to being Bad Boy and now Tim is truly awesome. He totally deserves awards!

The cinema was only quarter full. Maybe it was because it's the 11am show. I cried so much :( With a cinema that 'empty', everyone could hear my sobs (and laughter in three parts of the whole movie). Sigh...and Steph noted to me that she noticed I kept wiping away the tears on my face. If I had a towel, it could have easily collected pails full of tears.

The part when Tim signed the consent form in the Motel room followed by his best buddy crying already confirmed my prediction of what Tim was planning to do to himself in the movie. Since that scene, I just teared and teared.

Strangely, I identify with the pain and burden Tim carried. I understood perfectly the reason behind every single decision he made with every person he wanted to help. I so get it. I once (long time ago) said to God: If it takes me dying or losing everything to let everyone know You and see that life is so much more, I'll gladly do it. The one huge difference is Tim was looking for redemption for himself. I simply suffer when I see others suffer or not living life with abundance, and to take away that suffering I'll do anything.

The movie definitely made me embark on a short reflection trip, especially the line that spoke to me so much: Tim gave his house to Connie Tepos without a single dime in return. In his letter to Connie, he ended it with (paraphrasing) "Don't ask any question. This is my wish. Just honour it. Live life with abundance."

At that moment, my hair stood. My heart silently shouts to me "That's what your Father wants for you. Don't ask why. Just honour it. Live life with abundance." It was as if that line was especially tailored to let me know that. And then I teared even more :P

The movie is perfect lah... but I just don't like the idea of Tim commiting suicide so that others can have the great gift he wanted to give to each name. I think it says comming suicide is Ok if you want to help others (but that is just what I think).

From another angle, I guess the message is very similar to the gospel - Jesus chose to die on the cross, bear all our sins and pain, so that we can all live life with abundance. He could have said 'NO, I won't do it for them' or stopped half-way while being beaten up and chose to just give up and not care for those who do not know him. Jesus chose to give his life up so that WE ALL can live life with abundance. He didn't do it for his own redemption though, he did it for ours.

What do you think the message of the movie was? :) I'd like to know.

What More Could I Want?

I have him. My love life IS perfect.
What more could I want?

He knows all my secrets and sometimes shakes his head at the stuff I giggle at :P
He tells me to turn on the radio when my favourite song is playing and claps his hands with me when I hear it :D
He knows my favourite colour combinations. He wears them almost everyday to show me he cares. It was blue, gray and a tinge of yellow today...plus a rainbow on it. I hope it's purple and some orange tomorrow.
His love for me goes beyond the in-love euphoria. His love is Love, the Choice. It's what makes my world goes round. Without it my whole world stops
His ways of working things out are mysteriously amazing. He is a true professional, or beyond. Adventurous, yet down to earth.
He is more than enough for me. I just need him, and him alone. He is my portion. I have him, I have all I need :)

I have him.
What more could I want?

W.I.L.L.

Allow me to take out my frustration :P

Sorry! I just can't say amen and agree to prayers like these:
God, I pray that you will help me pass my exams. But if it your WILL that I fail, please help me with what comes after...
God, I pray that you will heal this person. But if it's your WILL to take him home, so let it be...
God, I pray that you will bless this business of mine, but if it's your WILL otherwise, let it be done...

I used to pray like that too (and I am ashamed of that). Now I think back and just laugh at how silly I was, and feel bad for having so little faith, bringing God down to my level of faith limited by fears and doubts instead of lifting my situations up to His level.

A friend once said to me in a casual conversation about exams that she prayed just like the above, but when she found out she passed the exam, she praised God. My automatic response
was: "Pray and believe in passing your exams. Next time, take out the failing part, no 'but' and just believe and press in for a pass, with flying colours."

She said: "I just want God's WILL to be done..."

I snapped (sorry about that :P ): "What's God's WILL? His WILL is that He wants us to prosper, it is not part of His plan to harm us in anyway. Do you think He wants you to fail your exams? ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Before I could continue, our conversation was interrupted by something, and it ended there.

Another friend said that she just can't remove the doubt when she prays for healing, and she prayed just like the above...I just had to say something :P which I did, paraphrasing: "Prayers that move mountains are those prayed with absolute faith in the recipient of the prayers. Pray and totally trust God to come through for us in a childlike manner, like how a kid asks his dad to do something knowing and totally believing that it will surely be done, no 'but'".

Yes, we are human beings and we are all still learning to remove doubt in praying. Me too. However, that has got to change! How do you think God feels when He hears prayers like that from the children whom He loves so dearly and sacrificed His only Son for? It's like having a genuine friend you loved walk up to you and say: "I know you love me and only want the best for me. But if you want to give me second best or worse, I accept that too!"...What an insult!

Why do we use God's WILL as an excuse or something to blame on when we didn't put in our best efforts in studies or work, and still want to pass with distinction, knowing we didn't work for it?

Why do we use God's WILL as an escape route from acknowleding how self-insufficient or lazy or not diligent we are and changing ourselves to be better instead? (especially when we want to make God give in to our ways instead of living out His WILL)

Why do we use God's WILL as a cover up for our lack of faith?

Why do we say that God is good all the time and yet accept second best as God's WILL?

*breath*

I use to belittle God too. And He let me know how He felt about that...I don't want you to have to go through that. It's really unpleasant. Let m lesson be yours, minus the painful part :P

Know that His WILL is this - that we shall all be shaped to be in His likeness; that He wants no one to perish, and His plans are to prosper us, not to harm us in any way. This is what He wants - to heal us, to restore, to provide for us, to bless us, love us, care for us, and to give us the BEST! To give us Him. His WILL is what He wants to do in our lives. Get it?

..ok, I think I am less frustrated now. LOL

How come?

How come lah?
How come there is only Tabung Palestine but no Tabung Israel?
That's like making the statement "I sure think that Israel's attacks are inhumane, and therefore I won't help them. They don't deserve it!"

Hey, when you are grieving, broken, hopeless, sad or hurt, don't ya wish someone would help you? I would!

Close you eyes and imagine this (here comes the Matthew McConaughey scene LOL):
You've been robbed and hurt. You're lying by the side of the road. The robbers left you there to bleed to death after having violated you in everyway. You're praying very hard for someone to come save you or help you. Suddenly you hear footsteps coming closer and closer to you. They stopped. You look up at a stranger, who stares back and said "I am not going to lend a hand because you have sinned and don't deserve my help", and he walks away, leaving you to bleed to death, just like the robbers.

C'mon. We have all sinned and fall short. If you say you never did ONE thing wrong in your entire life or something against your conscience, you're a liar. If you are cursing the stranger in the hypothetical situation above, congrats, you are cursing yourself.

I am totally against the atrocities in Gaza now too. I am! But having just Tabung Palestine and not Tabung Israel is equally inhumane. Innocent people die in Israel too.

I am learing to hate the sin and love the sinner. Why don't you do the same? Don't be so biased.

Fill It Up

Proverbs 8:35-36: For whoever finds me finds life and obtains favour from the Lord; but he who fails to find me injures himself; all who hate me love death.
2 Corinthians 2:15-16: For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance of life to life.
Psalm 19:7: The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul.

My car was low on petrol, so I filled it up at Petronas near my house. After my car had it's "meal", filled up for the next 550-600 km, I headed to my next destination and came to a halt at a red light. I took a deep breath, taking in a whole lot of air and the smell of petrol, then came this revelation: cars always smell of petrol right after they are filled up and the smell fades off gradually...until the nest time they are filled up with petrol again.
...Just like how we smell like 'mamak' after we had banana leaf or roti banana at a mamak shop.
...Just like how we smell like God after we have our date or hangout with Him, getting filled up with more of Him :)

A friend once told me that he could smell the stench of someone's soul that's dead, and according to him, it really stinks. Talk about advance sense of smell! Personally, I don't want to smell death, I'm afraid I will puke :(

This world is polluted by the stench of death. If there was a perfume that can cover up the stench, I bet many would die to buy it. But it would have been temporary, and the bad news is there isn't any.

However, there is one good news - we are all offered free flow of life (that's the opposite of death is you haven't know this :P ) that can revive the parts in us that are dead and take away (not just cover up) the stench of death! Yipee!!

To start smelling sweet like life, we do what we do to our cars with petrol - fill it up. Find life itself and start filling up. Fill life and get life. Fill death, and you'll get death.

On days I dated Mr. J, I feel invincible (giggles). And when I connect with others, the aroma of Mr. J passes on to them. His joy, love, enthusiasm, hope and excitement about things in life are contagious! But on days I didn't date Mr. J, I am the old wicked witch, and I smell like her too! I will snap at the smallest things. I'll worry til a pimple pop, and blame everyone for the teh tarik being too sweet (Ok, I may have exaggerated, but you get the point...and Fudge can testify to this [Sorry Fudge for my crappiness!])

Being filled up with life is very liberating. But the smell fades of gradually as we allow things of this world to come in contact with us. Perfumes don't last forver too. When cars run dry, it's serious damage! It is so important to get filled up constantly so we don't run dry. Even better, stretch our capacity to be filled with Him more and more so that we can be filled with more and smell even more like Him! Wow.

I am definitely setting time apart to get filled with Mr. J today because He is after all the most romantic person in the whole wide universe. I want to smell like freedom, joy, love, faith, hope, peace and Him.

What about you?

Out Of The Ordinary

Today is the one day in my entire life (so far) that is really intriguing. I've never had a day that has so many out of the ordinary incidents or things. I guess it means I need to come home more often :P hahaha.

Out of the ordinary incidents in chronological order on 24th January 2009 in Sin Yee's not-so-ordinary life:
1. A car crash on the NSE highway involving eleven cars in a row.
2. How beautiful Kuala Kangsar is (something I have forgotten, tsk tsk tsk)
3. How slow people in Kuala Kangsar drive (something I must get use to in this week)
4. Myriad of hampers of all shapes and heights standing all over the living room (my parents are really well-known here, I suppose?)
5. Aromac - the shower head that gives smell to your shower, haha. It's really cool.
6. Fighting with my lil cousin to play his PSP on our drive home
7. Taking a really loooooooooooong ride home. I think my butt is injured from sitting in the car for too long
8. Traffic jam in Kuala Kangsar town
9. Five new framed photos of my brother in mortar board and robe, and my long call on the living room hall, including the one in my granma's house
10. Granma's dyed light brown hair (whoa! I totally love my granma :) )

I certainly miss my hometown very very much. I definitely need to be back more often although my heart belongs elsewhere...

Happy Chinese New Year!

Those Were The Days...

We agreed that it was too long since we last met. Since Doctor Goh E-Bay is back from Aberdeen for 2 weeks, we finalised one gathering finally. The place was La Bodega, Bangsar. Doctor Goh, Tunku, En En, Miss Banker, 'Roslina' and Ah Sin were there. Au Yong and Kit Kat couldn't make it, so was Gaurus (we suspected that replacement class was the reason).

We had a great time! Our table was undoubtedly the noisiest one tonight. Our laughters were probably heard downstairs. It was like this 10 years ago, and it still is like this now. How nice :) We even predicted who's the next to get married (LOL). Catching up with old friends and sisters who were such an important part of my life, and laughing our heads off to the comedy in our lives, is something I will always cherish and keep in my heart.

Of course, like every other gathering we had after we all retired from check-weight-everyday-sport, we recalled the stupidest, craziest and the best moments we had together as teammates more than a decade ago, not forgetting the people who changed our lives whom we now dearly miss...including that skinny Uncle Lee, our bus driver for more than 6 months in 1995.

As always, blur Doctor Goh turned to me and said 'You were my only classmate last time during primary school here tonight.'

'I wasn't your classmate.' Ah Sin gave a puzzled look to Doctor Goh and was returned with a confused look on Doctor Goh's face.

'You were in CBN, I was in Kuen Cheng.'

'Eh! Sorry!' Doctor Goh said while turning to En En, 'You were the one!'

And we all laughed at Doctor Goh's blurness, as always :D

And then it hit me. Not all of us here could recall all the moments we had then (which I wouldn't trade for anything). If they were not recorded, one day, some of those precious memories will be gone. GASP! So, I decided to put some of those craziest moments that I can think of now here:

• Throwing our slippers 4 floors up and breaking Mun Yee's room window with one slipper thrown by the 'professional' during prep.
• Writing this in our autograph books: "What do I hate - boys" (HAHAHAHA)
• Being the only ones who could slip through the tiniest gap in the school gate to buy food from the kantin.
• Karaoke-ing our lungs out to Paeda-Rap, Michael Jackson's, Always, Zombie, 25 Minutes and other Indian songs from Priya's cassette on the bus on our way back to Endah Condo.
• Doing needle scales and splits on a moving bus.
• Making Twister mat with coloured school exercise books just so that we can play Twister in our dorm when we were supposed to be in class (I'm not so proud of this somehow, HAHAHA. Kids.... GO TO SCHOOL!)
• Almost going to sleep at the closed LRT station because the school hostel gate was locked after 11pm and we couldn't sneak back in after yum-cha-ing at 3 a.m.
• Putting up Beauty & The Beast, Phantom of the Opera and Pocahontas musical shows in our condo's.
• Everyone climbing over the girls hostel main gate at 10 something p.m. only to have the last person open the gate and said 'Hey, it's not locked!' (Darn it! HAHAHA)
• Yogurt eating competition in Uzbek.
• Begging Manan to lock the doors at our training hall and disappear for 10 minutes just so that we start training late (KEKEKEKE)
• Removing the batteries of the weighing machine in the training hall.
• Playing Chi-Ku-Pang with Cikgu Chew on the bus all the way from KL to Taiping.

And so many more...

Those were the days :) Thank God for all that! Or else I will be an antisocial-bitter-bookworm teaching in a school back in my hometown now and not having LIVED 14 years of my life. Oh God, thank You!

Funeral Crashers

If there is a horror story that scares me, this is it.

In our chit chat after gobbling down some yummy cheese chicken at Salmon Steak, we somehow end up on the topic of funerals in a country far far away (don't ask me how, but we started on politics :-S ).

The horror of the story is not about a dead man leaping out from his coffin and chewing people up or the coffin suddenly floated in the air. The horror that scared me was the people who attend funerals in this country far far away.

Both my friends from this country far far away said to me that people in their country treat funerals like 'kenduri's'. They see a funeral, off they go for some free food, even if they don't know who's the deceased who is of course, unrelated to these people (lets just name them Funeral Crashers).

On the table when they are eating, they just eat and be merry like they were in a pub. They don't even care about who lies in the coffin! What's worse is that they expect the host of the funeral to serve Grade A food. If not, they will make a huge fuss out of it. I don't even have to say what will happen if you don't serve them food. You can imagine it yourself.

So the sister of one of this friend of mine from this country far far away once spoke against these Funeral Crashers in their grandfather's funeral. She got into trouble for it. (GASP!)

Just listening to the story makes me furious :(

"Why don't anyone do something about that? Why don't you guys just don't serve food at funerals?" I asked in my upset tone. "We are used to it already." Friend from this country far far away said.

HELLO? Just because things are they way the are doesn't mean that's the way they should be! Talk about sikap tidak apa... sigh...

But then again, it is a very important principle that we should honour our guests in functions or funerals, whether we know them personally or not. However, I still find the Funeral Crashers' attitude a stink. C'mon you guys... have a heart!

Let me warn you... don't crash at my funeral, or I will haunt you for life.

... gee, scary heh?

Heart Break = Car Accident

~Reflection of the past~

Heart breaks. They are inevitable (Luke 17:1). They make status quo messy and make mess messier. They are hard to face. Don't fool yourself by saying "I'm fine." Get real babe! It is never easy.

You must be thinking how it doesn't make sense - why did God make healing so hard if He is really so good and our Jehovah Rapha?

Well, lets just say heart breaks are like car accidents. Nobody wanted them to happen. They are unexpected. But they happen anyway, whether it was a romantic relationship, a family issue or just a friendship.

When car accidents happen, the damage to the car, no matter how minimal, can never be repaired in one quick fix. It takes more than one step to get the wrecked car repaired. Even a small dent! One cannot knock the dent back to its normal shape AND spray paint the dent spot at the same time. The spray paint would be uneven. The knocking comes first, and then the spraying. If the damage is done to the engine, oh boy, you can imagine how many complicated steps it would take to get it repaired. The bottom line is this - reparation and restoration of a heart broken into a thousand pieces don't happen overnight. Healing can never be complete overnight. It takes stages of acknowledgment of brokenness and surrender to God for Him to fix our hearts together in one piece again.

But why not do it all at one fix if He is really the Almighty God?

I remember how I thought I was healed from my breakup with Teng Yung only to find myself hurting even more when I discovered that he was going out with someone else. What's worse? He's happy with her. Knowing that is like pouring kerosine onto the fervent fire that was already burning me to death slowly. Wasn't I supposed to be healed? Did God ignore the broken heart I surrendered to Him?

Yes, He did. I was the one who stopped taking His prescription until full recovery. I stopped surrendering all the parts of my broken heart left unattended to into His healing hands. i held on to some. I did not let go. I held on... so opposite to 1 Peter 5:7.

God knows better (Thank God someone does!). Sometimes we're just not ready for everything in one big dose. Even medicine for fever must be taken in stages of separate doses. It works the same way for heart breaks. God waits until we regain our strength from the bad fall, and then He will tackle the issues which we are now ready to deal with. He knows how to care for our wrecked hearts because He made us. We can never truly comprehend how He works to heal us (Isaiah 55:8, Proverbs 3:5-6). But the truth is He does heal us.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3).
Just take it step by step. It's not easy, but it is possible ;) - For nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37).

Don't rush healing :)

God bless!