The reality.

Sometimes, we are denials. We try our very best to deny some things that we cannot accept in this world. It only caused us more misery and pain that we cannot explain. Just like mysef, used to deny that the world is a horrible place full of violence and corruption, evil and vice. But in the end, I only put myself into misery and the rage in my heart escalated higher and higher each time I am reminded of these ugly world.

That, some of you say, is the reality.

Yes, you are right. That is the reality. In the real world, only the small fish get caught in the high profile crimes while the big fish are fearlessly reaping their filthy wealth from exploiting the small fish. In the real world, crooks continue to rape thier own children without minding the consequences to the children's life. In the real world, selfish people are doing all they can to survive even if it costs their loved ones a big deal. In the real world... so much evil and injustice... every corner... every second.

Eat your own words if you cannot accept that. That is the reality. Accept it, huh?

You gotta admit that no matter how positively you tried to view things, ultimately, the real negative side remains in your mind, or even worse, in your heart. And no matter what you do, these evil continues. Can you live with that?

Yes, let me repeat what you said to me: THAT'S THE REALITY. ACCEPT IT.

Many times in my years of study of law (and continuing), I questioned myself hard: Why am I studying so hard if in the end when I become the lawyer things won't be any different? The law will continue to be exploited and misused. People will still ignore their rights and disregard the law. I am trapped between what I expect the law should do after long-hard years of studying and what will eventually happen. Just like Light in Death Note. I feel like throwing my law books away because the real crooks get away, anyway.

Light had the means to avenge the real crooks with the Death Note. I wish I could access to something that ensures REAL justice like Light. But first, I gotta accept the reality i.e. in this real world, there is no REAL justice. No laws on this earth can be perfect.

Step 1 - Check. I accepted the reality.
Step 2 - Seek access to means which provides REAL justice.

Hmmm..now that is hard. I can't find anything in this world that fulfills that requirement. Can you? Perhaps we should look elsewhere... Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

I have to accept the reality that the world is full of evil, that life can be unfair, that nothing is perfect in this world, and nothing can provide REAL justice here in this place because like I said, that is the reality. The discontent in me led to me to seek for something REAL, something or someone REAL, that can comfort me in the midst of all the evil in this world by providing REAL justice. I couldn't find it here in this place, but I found it in Him, alone... Psalm 1:6 For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.

I am not God. Therefore I cannot change the world or ensure REAL justice by myself. But I can do a small part by being one of the tools used by Him for His purpose. The reality is only God can provide real justice. Accept it. That is the reality.

God bless you always and forever.

The burden in my heart to post this has been lifted off..phew!!

Year-End Post

The Lord has blessed me abundantly in ways that no other can replace. I thank Him for His mercies have kept me freom being consumed. No one can satisfy besides my Saviour, and this post records some of the blessings that He bestowed upon me in 2006.

1. He provided a cloud over me as I walked to church so that I will not be scorched.
2. He provided a cab just 3 seconds after I prayed for one to go home.
3. When I felt like I lost Him, He mercifully returned to my side.
4. He said, "I have never left you."
5. Financial blessings to further my studies in KL.
6. He provided shelter to me in KL.
7. By His plan, a spiritual friend was introduced to me on a bus ride back to Penang.
8. The salvation of a primary school friend with whom I have lost touch for many years.
9. His guidance.
10. 6 consecutive green lights on my way to fetch my aunt so that I could beat the jam.
11. The rain that cools my room.
12. The sun that dry my clothes.
13. Food for my stomach and soul.
14. The right timing for all things that happen in my life.
15. His faithfulness and love for me in times of trial.
16. Wonderful and loving siblings in Christ.
17. He revealed to me how amazing heaven is going to be.
18. Financial blessings and blessings in other forms to bless others.
19. A roommate whose faith in Jesus that was shaken badly by a painful experience in life. Through living with her, He taught me how to share the good news.
20. His protection over me wherever I go.
21. Good health.
22. Journey-mercies.
23. According to His plan: bumping into many old friends so that I can catch up with them after all those years.
24. An understanding family.
25. An awesome grandmother who loves me very much.
26. The boy who willingly borrowed me his handphone so that I could make a call to TY when my phone's battery went flat.
27. Everyone I met at SWEEP.
28. The good times at SWEEP.
29. The experience of having no place to go to and no food to eat. Poverty taught me so much about God's heart for the needy.
30. 2nd Upper.
31. New handphone :P
32. A dress (finally!!) hehe.
33. Not burning down the kitchen when I cooked dinner.
34. He provided an opprtunity for me to serve in church.
35. He prepared my heart to accept some things and went ahead of me to make sure the road is on that I can walk.
36. A wonderful landlady.
37. A class with over 300 students. My attentiveness in class has increased tremendously because of this, thanks to God.

And the list goes on. But I will end here for this post. I guess if I continued, I would not be able to sleep until the morning of the 1 January 2007.

Merry Christmas and Happy 2007!!

A Little Survey.

So many surveys, ranging from very personal matters to not-so-personal matters, have been posted on Friendster. They have somehow prompted me to ask some really silly and really directionless questions about me and others sround me sometimes.

So, one fine day on my way to dinner, this little question for a little survey of myself popped into my head. I am posting it on this blog. And the question goes:

If there was someone that you would like to eliminate from this world, who would it be?

Hehe, my first answer was no other than the devil himself. I thought 'How much better will this world be without him around'. But then again, God uses him for His purposes sometimes. So, maybe not eliminate him.

Now, to my second answer, and some of you will surely disagree with me (you are entitled to do that. This is my blog and thus I am merely expressing my personal views. There is nothing wrong if you think opposite to me.), is Jolin Tsai.

You are probably wondering why this is my answer. Hehe. It all began when I first heard her 'sang'. Yeah, she can dance, and so does many other people. And, almost all the guys I meet in KL dreamed to have her as their girlfriend. Why? Because of her cup G boobs. These guys I met dread to go to her concert in December just to see her dance (according to them. Well, I see a lot of yoga movements) and her body. Hello? I thought it was a concert. Duh!!

Chill, this is just a survey, and it is just for fun. Don't take it too seriously, ok? :P No elimination.

P.U.S.H.

Sometimes, somethings that you see will remind you or teach you what life is all about. For that matter, things that you see may be what God is using to let you realise something important and significant in your walk with Him. I had such an experience just tonight.

As I was walking around in Mid-Valley just now with TY, a stand that sells those small yellow signs that many people stuck on their car windows caught my attention. As I walked closer to have a look at what the numerous signs were saying, right on the top hung one saying "P.U.S.H.", and underneath these alphabets were 'Pray Until Something Happens'.

My heart tells me at that moment 'Yeah, that is the way we should pray to God'. So many of us pray, but do we really pray surrendering-ly? That small little sign spoke to me tonight. It taught me that when we pray, we should adopt that attitude of 'P.U.S.H.' for many reasons. Here are some that were revealed to me tonight:

1. Reliance
When we P.U.S.H., it shows that we acknowledge our insufficiency, and that the only thing that we human beings can do at times is simply, to pray. This acknowledgement leads us to truly surrender our wishes and desires to God, and to truly rely on Him on what will happen next. And it is this attitude that He wants from us as His creation, just like a Father wants a child to rely on him for guidance, etc.

2. Faith
When we P.U.S.H., we do not give up in prayer, for we know that He hears our prayer and cries of our hearts, and it signifies that we have faith in Him. This faithfulness will inevitably leads us to trust the Lord for all things that happen in our lives. When you have faith in, let say, a friend of yours in a task, do you give up on this friend half way through before the task is completed? Of course, the answer is 'No'. This is the same for God, is if we 'P.U.S.H.', because we have faith that our prayers will be answered, which is why we pray endlessly until it is anwered, not quitting on Him halfway through.

I hope this post has blessed you. Have an extraordinary day :)

Which is worse?

This question suddenly popped out in my mind as I listened to Pastor Mark preached on Matthew 6 last Sunday. I'd really like to know what are the different opinions on this. But of course, in the end, it is the truth that I am interested in :) What do you think?

Q: Which is worse?

A. Not believing in God.

OR

B. Believing in God and going against Him (just like the devil himself).

Duit Duit Duit.

I had always thought that this world is becoming increasingly materialistic. But since I moved to KL, my thought is now this - this world is becoming increasingly-squared materialistic.

In the older days, many chose a particular profession for the love of it, and also because of what that particular profession can offer to one in personal development and growth. They hardly look at the monetary incentive. Well, I think money wasn't so much of an incentive at that time.

But look at what it has become now. When I asked my friends why do they choose to study law and to become a lawyer, many responded that it was because of the money. What happened to people deserving justice and the need to give access to rights and justice to them? Some people I know chose to be teachers by attending maktab perguruan because of the stable income and the perks and privileges that come with becoming a civil servant. What happened to building a new future for the nation and giving hope to children? The police personnel, already with their well-known 'Nanti Rasuah' policy, is now asking for an increase in salaries to meet, as they have alleged, higher public expectations and higher costs of living. What happened to maintaining order and safety, and protecting the public at all costs?

For this I grief. So much injustice and vices today are related to the fact that many chose a particular profession for the money and not for the love of the profession and the purposes it serves in the community and society. Many lost sight because of money and have their eyes on money, too blinded by it that they failed to see their responsibilities as a part of this nation.

This has become the 'norm' - "Oh, well, who cares what happen to them, as long as I get my pay I am OK." My hope is that you don't join this 'norm' to become one of the irresponsible creeps I know.

Forget trying to figure out what will bring you happiness. Try to make others happy, and then happiness will find you.

Great 8 Part II.

Here is my version of the 8 guys that take my breath away.

Jo Hyun Jae. If you watch 8tv he's in this Korean drama called Only You.
Jang Dong Gun...ha...drool....
Lee Hom.
Keanu Reeves...I don't care even if people say he is gay.
Adrien Brody. 2nd sexiest man to me.
Brandon Routh...I think he looks better in specs.
Antonio Banderas..sexiest man alive.
Ralph Fiennes. He's damn good an actor!! And I love his eyes.


Note: For the Great 8 Part One, please visit Joy's blog, tears of Joy, which is only a click away from my blog :) Adios. God bless you all.

PS: Yes, I am a sucker for long faces and gentle eyes. Hehe.

2gather-gather.

One Sunday morning...a simple, sunny, ordinary Sunday morning, was all that was necessary for God to touch my heart. How amazing is He!

This happenned last year, but I only remembered the work He has done that day on me on my way to KL in a bus.

That Sunday, as I stood in church worshipping the Lord and singing songs of praise together with the congregation of brothers and sisters in Christ, I saw something that touched my heart.

I forgot what the exact title of the song but I recalled it was about 'unity'. As I opened my eyes, already wet with tears, after singing the chorus, I could only shed more tears at what I saw.

Right in front of me two couples, if I remembered them correctly, they were brother Lai Seng and wife, and brother Richard and wife, worshipping the Lord in unity...they were holding each of their spouse's hand, singing at the top of their lungs.

What touched me was not their love for one another, but their love for God together. It is this togetherness that truly stuck with me since that day until now. And I will never ever forget what I saw that very Sunday morning.

Purple Cameron.

My trip to the Cameron Highlands yesterday with my family was wonderful. It has taught me to value and allowed me to see more of the beauty of God's creation and how amazingly beautiful He is. It was a tiring trip but I loved it very much!

I can't help but think of AiChing when I am there because of her favourite colour, yes, purple. Each destination we stopped at has something purple. In the cactus point alone, there were purple flowers, purple horse, and purple vase. Hehe.

AiChing, I miss you.

He is...

He is
a good friend
who listens
who shares
who helps
who cares

He is
a good son
who's responsible
who obeys
who'll be with his family
on special days

He is
a good boyfriend
who keeps me warm
who holds me
who makes me smile
so my fears will flee

He is
a good man
who loves
who cherishes
who appreciates
who wishes

He is
a good man
a child of God
He is
but he
doesn't know God

Matthew 18:3-4
Jesus said,"...I tell you the truth, unles you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of God. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

We know that it is important to be childlike in our lives, not childish. Being childish means persistence in remaining in self-indulgence, to insist on enjoying privileges without responsibilities. You can definitely see this anyday. Just look at how a child insists on his parents buying him a toy without second thoughts about his responsibilities and throwing a trantum when he doesn't get what he wants.

Many times, we adults act childishly whether you admit it or not. We abhor losing control in our lives and so we hold on to our plans and whatever we have tightly because we hate the feeling of losing control. But seriously, let me ask you a question: What is so bad about losing control?

The passage from Matthew above shows clearly how many adults, like myself, forget how to trust God more readily. We also unlearn on being humble. Spending last Monday night together with my 4 year old cousin reminded me of this.

Me, my cousin and Teng Yung, together with my family, went out for dinner. My cousin followed me and Teng Yung in Teng Yung's car. She was so afraid of Teng Yung because he was a stranger, and she was so shy around him. But with me, it was like she knew I was her friend since the day she was born and she liked hanging out with me very much.

The moment we got down from his car, my cousin held my hand as we walked towards the restaurant. Teng Yung was walking on the other side of her. And then I just said to my cousin, "Why don't you hold Ko-Ko's hand?"

She looked at me, and then stretched out her left hand to be held by Teng Yung, without complaining, or arguing, or hesitation. I was surprised. She was already holding my hand on the other side, and she did not even dare go near Teng Yung for the past 2 days!

Her act showed me the kind of childlikeness that we should possess as children of God. My cousin seemed to recognise and trust me more readily without rationalising away her need for love and care. She just understands deeply, and simply, that she needs love from me. This was obviously not taught to her. It is in her since the day God created her, because He created us in His image (Genesis 1:27) i.e. God is love (1 John 4:8).

So if you find yourself too uptight about life, or that you seemed to be getting nowhere, take a break. Get low, be humble, and be childlike, and, like how my cousin trusted me, trust in God.

God bless!

Today's prescription.

Patients want their doctors to prescribe them something to heal their illnesses.
Pink sang in her song 'Don't Let Me Get Me' so doctor won't you please prescribe me something for being in the life of someone else, don't let me get me.

Patients knew, with their illnesses, they could count on the doctor.

I have my illnesses too, spiritually. And so I counted on God, the ultimate physician and doctor, because Jesus came for the sick. Yeah, I am sick in many ways people don't see. But I myself, and of course the Father who created me, know better.

I have been disappointed again and again in life, not only by the people around me and those I love, but also by myself. I question, 'Why do I feel so wrong?' It's like I am living, but I am not doing it right. Each day I meet people, be in their lives, and reach out to others. But I still feel so wrong.

This feeling troubled me for days. There exists this void in me that is there because of something. And it is this something that I need to find out. I prayed to God that He will help me get out of this mess that I got myself into. Yeah, I feel exactly that way.. that my life is so messed up because of my own doings.

Thank God for anwering my prayer as I turned to Colossians 3.
Colossians 3
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

He hit the right button! I felt so wrong because my focus was wrong. I did all the reaching out and living each day with the thought of helping and loving them. This doing is right, but I was doing it without the right foundation for all these doings - that I seek those things which are above. My wrong focus had also cost me the trust some of my friends and loved ones used to have in me. They accused me for doing things just because I want to buy them into Christianity. This is a warning sign that I have to open my eyse bigger to see what I missed.

Focus. That is it.

If our focus is wrong, not on things aobve, we will reach out to others with an impression to them that we are just like those direct-selling organisations, wanting to expand. Oh how wrong we are! How wrong I was! I was so caught up with the desire to have my loved ones saved that I reached out without truly loving, without the right focus.

Sometimes we reach out to others only because we want them saved. It's good intentions, but it is still wrong. Jesus asked us to LOVE. So fellow brothers and sisters, just LOVE. One day, the seeds of love that we have planted in these people's hearts will lead them to Him. I was led to God by that :)

Birthday lesson.

Oh darn, I am so ashamed of myself.

Yesterday, Teng Yung insisted on seeing my photos instead of my stamps collection. I hesitantly pulled out the photo albums one by one and guided him through the photos again. He had seen it before, and wanted to see it again.

So, we started from one album that consists of my primary school year photos..and then to one with my baby pics. Apparently, my face didn't change since the age of 4 :P This was what Teng Yung say, but I am not sure if I agree :)

Anyway, we came across a few photos of my birthday parties. When I looked at the photos, I saw a table full of food - french fries, sausages, watermelon cut into small pieces, red eggs, fried bee hoon and of course, a big birthday cake right in the middle of the pile of food on the table. I was amazed at the strength of the table!

The other thing I noticed besides the food, hehe, in the photos, were the friends that stood by my side, who sang birthday song and were willing to be in the photos with me. I regretted not keeping in touch with some of them.

But as I looked into these photos, the thing that I remembered most, well, not exactly thing, more like persons, were my parents.

Looking at these photos brought back flashes of memories which comprise moments I saw my parents busy cleaning up and preparing in the kitchen, rushing in and out of it, to prepare the food and make sure everything is OK. They even did the invitation where I was supposed to do it because it was my birthdays after all. They were exhausted at my birthday parties. Very stressed out in fact. I remembered hearing them complain: "Have party, so ma farn!" But they still did it for me, not once, but many times.

I can't help but feel a sense of guilt in me as I look at these photos and think back to those times... my parents have given so much to me. They ensured I have the best childhood. And I did.

And then I tried to recollect if I did anything for them. Anything... haha, guess what? I can't think of any at all.

I am such a spoilt brat. My parents are giving me so much and all I do is ask for more.

Thank God I realised... although it may be too late. So, now, in one of the transitions in life I am going through now, I know, in my walk with God, where one of my commitment shall be in. My wonderful, loving, superb, parents.

My favourite e-mail for now.

I'm sure all of you have your favourite e-mails saved up in your mailbox. I received this from Alyssa a few days ago, when I first it's length, I was discouraged from finishing the story. But something in me urged me to read on and I thought, 'Well, no harm right? Besides Li Yin hasn't reached to pick me up yet." And so I read on, line after line, paragraph after paragraph.

Thank God I read it, FULL. It then became my favourite e-mail. I'd like to share it with you here in case you haven't read it yet. And yes, I cried :) I hope you will like it too... and find hope in love, and marriage :) God bless.

P/S: To all the 'Dew's in real life, and also 'He Ning's, 'Repent! You are darn selfisf, aren't ya?'

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy.. I was a strong and happy bridegroom. This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried tomake more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school. Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife.. But I couldn't help doing so.I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her.

At the moment,the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind althoughit used to be something impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her,she would be deeply hurt.Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of theTV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer,visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way,suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her,O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand.I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want adivorce. I raised the serious topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead sheasked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided herquestion. This so-called answer made her angry.. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give hera satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house,our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again. She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken. She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement,that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning. I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result ofdivorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today,don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset.I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily.She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face. On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I washolding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this. I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily,not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense ofpain.. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carrymum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life.She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute.

I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sittingroom, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my necksoftly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious. She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever.. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears.

I walked downstairs and drove to the office.When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The sales girl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

:')

Seeker's finder.

To all those who are looking for answers to life, to all those who want to know what is life all about, to all those who are wondering what is the purpose of living, I have the answer for you:

Jeremiah 29:13 - You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

He's waiting for you, are you reaching out to Him?
God bless.

When others fail you.

6For in Scripture it says:
"See, I lay a stone in Zion, a chosen and precious cornerstone,
and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame."
7Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,
"The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone," 8and,
"A stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall."
They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

I am still stuck in a SWEEP hangover. I cannot rid off the SWEEP memories as they are precious to me. Perhaps, it represents the beginning to a new chapter in my walk with God, one that promises great discoveries and growth.

Since SWEEP, my anger towards to society has not subsided. Yes, I am angry.
Why is the society like this? Why is it this ugly? So incompassionate? So irresponsible?

Some thinks I expect too much from the society. Well, as a part of it, I don't find it wrong to expect something out of it, or else I wouldn't be living in it. Unfortunately, it has failed me.

I know of so many people who, by their actions or inactions, caused others to be drug addicts, sex workers, alcoholics, gangsters, truants, etc. and guess what these people say? They are not part of us anymore. We can't help them.

This stirred up so much anger in me that I was afraid I couldn't control it and will sin in anger one day. Knowing how easily I can go wrong, I surrendered this anger to the Lord. And this morning in my devotion, He aswered my prayer by telling me where should I look to in this situation where the society has failed me - Him.

He too was once rejected my people and disappointed even by the ones He loved dearly. But because He knew He is a 'precious stone' to the Father, He knew where to look to for hope, and a place to let go of this disappointment.

Today, I found the answer to my anger... and why He allowed it to build up in me. TQ God.
When others failed you, look up.

Since 1980, and still battling.

Happy 25th birthday to AIDS!

Yes, HIV/AIDS had haunted mankind for 25 years and sadly, we are still battling it. When the disease was discovered there were only 5 cases. Today, it has increased to 40 million cases worldwide! 5 million are infected with AIDS each year while 3 million is dying of it yearly. YEARLY.

Statistics like these made me wonder whether there were steps taken to battle this deadly disease. The killing power of sex is just so scary.

However, there is another power that is more enormous than the killing power of sex, and that is the healing power of God and the hope He gave us. I thank Him for this.

One issue of Newsweek I read recently reported that AIDS has been here for 25 years, 'yet there is more hope today than ever before'. Here, we see "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) comig true in the lives of those involve in battling HIV/AIDS, one of them is a man named Peter Piot.

Dr. Peter Piot is a 57 year old Belgian who had been fighting against HIV/AIDS since they day of its birth. His professors used to tell him that there was no future in infectious disease. Because of this statement, Piot made infectious disease his specialty :)

When there seems to be no hope in our lives, perhaps after manifold attempts of exam and still failing, or not being able to overcome a bad habit that we practiced for many years, or worse still when nobody on earth seems to care about you and you feel so hopeless and helpless... just like saying 'there is no future in infectious disease', God's grace is sufficient. With His power, there shall be hope. And this was the stand taken by Piot and the people who worked with him in battling HIV/AIDS.

Piot would walk the alleys of Majengo and would talk to sex workers there. A nurse who worked with him would say to them "Hey! Do you have a problem with sexually transmitted disease? We are here! We won't judge you. You are children of God!"

In the hopelessness and helplessness, and in the weakness of one man's effort in battling this globally threatening disease, His power is made perfect. Piot did that splendidly. He showed to the world that in this weakness, God triumphs with His glory as a giver of hope, and a healer of the sick. Yes, He gives hope when there seems to be none. Even failure is not a failure to Him. This is proven when AZT, a failed cancer drug, had been used to keep HIV in check!

The global picture may look grim, said Piot, but the seeds of success are everywhere. As ambassadors of Christ, we shall also be ambassadors of hope. People are feeling less helpless and ashamed and are more willing to stand out to overcome AIDS. More and more people and nations are showing concern towards the devastating effects of AIDS to the world.

Alas! But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish. (Psalm 9:18).

I don't blame her.

For the first time in this' blog's history, I am going to blog about someone from my family (psst...I hope me memory didn't fail me on my blog's postings!).

That person is..... my mom.

She was given the task of preparing a proposal letter on behalf of the Pandu Puteri of Malaysia to have more funds for the upcoming activities. She was not informed of when the deadline will be. So she kept it in view. Apparently, the deadline was supposed to be right before a VIM -very important meeting - that Pandu Puteri will have with a minister.

Tonight, my mom received a call from one of her colleagues who asked her whether she had prepared the letter because the meeting is TONIGHT! If they called her a few hours before this, she could have finished typing the letter and emailing it to them.

I guess by now, the meeting is already over... and the letter? There was no letter.

My mom kinda blamed herself for not preparing the letter and causing the Pandu Puteri to have less funds for their activities. But I told her that it wasn't her fault. Well, I don't blame her.

Poor mom. Hope she listens to me and will not blame herself for this.

Swept Away

I am finally back from the Social Work Exposure and Embracement Program a.k.a SWEEP. Strangely, for the past two weeks, I didn't feel tired or emotionally drained but at the moment I left the camp, all the fatigue accumulated in the past two weeks fell on me... physically, mentally and emotionally.

Despite the exhaustion, which I hope I have recovered from after a long day of sleep :P (yeah, now you know my secret...I'm such a pig!!hehe.) , I am spiritually refreshed. I learned more than I ever did in just two weeks compared to my 3 years of study in legal school! Well, at least for practical stuff lah... It just goes to prove that life is bigger than I thought it was, and I am glad I discovered this now :)

Duing this SWEEP, I became a SWEEP-er, but ironically, I was the one that was swept away. On each of the 14 days, I felt emotions and had thoughts that I never had in my almost 22 years of seemingly 'big' life.

My hatred and anger towards the society and the world's slimy wickedness, and my utter disgust of the twisted systems meant for oppression disguised as systems for justice, together with all the heartbreaking stories and sufferring caused by the sufferrings of the needy I met, not forgetting the backbreaking experience of reaching out, all formed the fierce waves in the sea that had swept me away to another place I had never been before in my spiritual life.

Sounds scary? Haha, sorry if I misled you. Actually, it wasn't that bad after all to be swept away in this sea because an inexplicably wonderful relationship was formed in these 2 weeks between me and the people that I came to know.

As I was reaching out in any way I can, be it just bringing a glass of water or chitchat-ing about a particular guy in the group that we think is cute, I realised that the reaching out on my part was nothing compared to the valuable lessons and things that I got from them. Without realising it, I, the one who was supposed to be reaching out, became the recipient in the relationship.

So I worked out the ratio and found out that these people... the drug addicts, criminal convicts, sex workers, HIV positive, the abused, the migrant workers, the mentally and physically challenged, the poor, single moms... have left such a deep impact in my life NOT because they were reaching out to me, BUT because I reached out to them. If by just knowing them and talking to them and helping them can leave such an impact in my life, imagine what impact I can leave on the lives of these people by just a simple gesture of care and love.

So, back to my seemingly scary and creepy sea, as I said, it wasn't that bad to be swept away in it because each new day, each new hour, each new minute, represents a new hope which is an element I found in this sea. Another thing that overshadowed the 'darkness' of the sea was the power of God's love.

It is amazing.

I will never forget the transformation driven by this sacred love in the lives of some of these people I have met...
an ex-drug addict who now has more charisma and energy than Napoleon Bonaparte
an ex-Ah Long who now has more compassion for the poor living on the streets in Chow Kit than anyone I have ever met (notice that I stressed on 'met' meaning people I see and know, not one like Mother Theresa who I had never seen)
a transsexual earning RM 3K steadily in an established firm working as a MAN living by Christ's love
a mentally challenged friend who played badminton with me and advised me really wisely on some pressing matters in my life
an abused 9 year old girl who puts trust in God's love and wanting to move on and let go of her horrifying past
the prison guards who love the convicts so much that they never carry any weapon with them when they enter their cells

He led me into this sea, a sea so ugly yet full of hope, to be swept away by it only to find that I was being led to another place, another special place, not by the torments of the evil waves but by the tucks of grace made by His hands. It's not about doing, but being.

I was happy...Until...

I received a forwarded email from a friend today. It contained really beautiful pictures, alleged to be paintings of Thomas K-something. Yeah, those pictures were gorgeous, and they came with beautiful messages and phrases about God.

I was so happy, thinking that 'Aww, my friend was so thoughtful, sending me such nice emails...' scroll scroll scroll... Aiyak! 'What?!' I was so happy, until I reached the last part of the email. Damn! It's just another chain letter forwardeds.

I have one small reason and one big reason to be sad. So should I tell you the small one first or the big one first? Eenie-minnie-mynie-Mo! Ok, the small one first.

The small reason why I am sad:
Me shouting out loud "Hey people! Wake up! These chain letters do not work! I have deleted hundreds of them and look at me? I am as prosperous as ever!".
And it is really annoying to find out that your email box is filled with crap like that!

The big reason why I am sad:
Hai...I was so happy because I thought my friend was so thoughtful abd caring about me. But, yeah, the best is saved for the last part... True colours are revealed through this 'Forward this to XXX people now or else you will suffer...'
I tell you, forward it and you will still suffer. Suffer from being bound by such emails!

It is sad to find ut that your friends send these seemingly nice emails to you not because they cared about you, or miss you, or were just being thoughtful. But they sent them to you so that they will not suffer detriment. A true friend will send a nice forwarded containing nice pictures or messages to brighten up someone's day...without the forwarding part, because if one really cares for a friend, that person will send the nice email to others without you telling them to.

This morning alone I got 7 forwarded chain letters. Thank God I have Him ;)