Blurness Embarasses.

Two days ago, I went to work in the blurrest mode ever in this year. My body was awake, but my mind was definitely still in deep slumber. I was going to work in trance, haha.

And so I walked up to this little truck at Taipan parked near my office that sells nasi lemak. I wanted to buy breakfast there, as I do most of the mornings.

I had NASI LEMAK in my mind. But before I could channel that thought to my mouth, it blurted, "Bang, satu NASI GORENG."

The nasi lemak seller laughed at me, and guess what? There was another customer there, and he laughed at me too. To add to the embarassment, I tried to cover up, "Kamu goreng nasi tu sekarang lah..."

They both laughed even harder. Oh, how embarassing!

When I Met You.

Hey You,

When I met You, my life before that point has become negligible.
It no longer matter.
It was as though life had only really began at the moment I found You
...or rather You found me.

Truly I say to You: my life is found in You.

Te Amo.

Up For the Challenge?

Someone very dear to me recently asked me a good question: Have you ever challenged God?

"Well, like you tell God if He make this happen, then you will do something."

When I just began to know Jesus, I always challenge him that way. For example, I remember vividly saying to him that if he helped me get back this deposit I paid to my college, I will give it all in offering on Sunday. There are many more challenges I gave him, and some really put me to shame :P

My first ever challenge to God was this - that He show me that He is real, because I really wanted to know if He is real. Guess what? He did show up, and so did the many times I challenged Him. But the question is, did I keep my part of the bargain all the time? You can guess the answer to that...

I don't know when was the point in time that I stopped challenging God already. It felt like ages since I last did that. The Bible said to not put God to test (Deuteronomy 6:16). But I stopped challenging God not because of that verse, rather, I stopped because as I grew closer to God and got to know Him so much more.

I was such an idiot to challenge God :P I am just a human being that's full with flaws and incapable in so many ways. To challenge a God who is All-Mighty, All-Powerful, All-Knowing and who created this universe is really an idiotic attempt that is doomed to failure without exception. HAHA.

There is really no point in challenging God. Nothing is too difficult for Him (Genesis 18:14), and nothing is impossible for Him (Luke 1:37). I've learnt that in challenging God, I am just using it as an excuse to either not believe in Him or not obeying Him, putting the blame on Him instead of trusting in Him and His goodness & faithfulness. In other words, I am masking my lack of faith with seemingly reasonable request for God to show up first, when in fact He is already there.

Throughout my months of walking with God, I picked up that by challenging God, I am actually putting myself to a test that will not do me any good in the long run. With each challenge I put to God, I am showing to Him that I am not a person who can be trusted with the bigger things that God has in store for me because I don't trust Him.

It's like a father who is and will be giving the son the best things already simply because the father loves the son. But one day the son came to him and said "Dad, why don't you help my business prosper, and then I will acknowledge that you love me." Can you imagine the hurt to the father's heart when he hears that?

The truth that doesn't change is that God loves us and God's nature is to bless and to give without holding back. Only He knows what is best for us, and when is the right timing to give us bigger things as only He will know when we are ready and responsible enough to handle the bigger things that He will eventually give to us. But when we challenge Him, we are belittle-ing how big He is and how powerful He is, pulling Him down to our wordly standards instead of lifting our expectations to His level.

Shortly said, God is definitely and is always up for the challenge. But are we up for the challenge?

You have a need?

The one constant thing in life is 'change'. Another constant is 'need'.

When I was younger, I thought having a need is a bad thing, because I thought it means I wasn't capable enough to make sure that that need is covered. Simply said, I didn't do enough, that's why there is a need.

But as I age, I have learnt to live with having needs. It is perfectly normal, and human, to have needs. In fact, it is when one stop needing for something that one stops life altogether.

But unmet needs are really a pain in the a** sometimes. So having needs are normal, but having unmet needs are frustrating. What am I suppose to do with them then?

I took this to the Lord, check out what He said:

All things happen for the good of those who love Me. And it is My will that all will know me, and taste how good I am and how much I love them. I allow needs in your life not to torture you or to purposely make you lack in something. Needs are there so that I can come through for you on them, and then you will see how much I love you. I put a need in your life, but it is also I who will provide for it. Really, I just want you to know how much I love you :)

Everyday, He wants to tell me how much He loves me in everything that happens...even in my needs.

You have a need? Great!! Cos you're about to receive His grace, love, mercy. Don't fret, aight?

On Purpose

Genesis 2:18 - The Lord God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

When God created woman, Adam was too busy running around bushes and naming animals. He couldn't be bothered :P

Woman was and still is God's idea. It was God who wanted to create woman so that Adam, or rather the male-man, can have someone to share the love that God gave to him.
God created woman on only one basis - love.
And it wasn't on accident, nor for fun.
God created woman on purpose. She was His idea.

How awesome is that? ;) I am His idea and created on purpose. Whoa!

I Wonder...

Hey You,

I know You created us all. But the fact is not all of us know that, and not all of us know You.
You must feel really sad about that, especially when You see Your creation run around like a headless fly (with legs :P) and live life directionless without a shepherd.

I know it is Your desire that none shall perish and that all will know You.

I really wonder....Why don't You tell them straight?

He Keeps Me Walking Home.

I hadn't eaten all day. I didn't really sleep last night. It was a long day at work. And my shoulders hurt.

When it was time to walk home, I dragged my feet all the way. That's not me!
What is wrong? I feel an unhealthy burden in my heart. Such an agonizing sorrow is tormenting me. Where did it come from? I had no idea. The next thing I know, I was tearing on my walk home.

I didn't care if anyone was looking. The hunger I felt was nothing in comparison to the sorrow. I then understood how some can hurt their physical bodies to externalise the pain in them which was ten, hundred times greater then the outward pain. It makes them feel, at least, that they are alive.

If there is a noun for something that is more dead than a zombie, I will be it today....

Then I thought of Jesus. He had sleepless nights, hungry days and much pain and physical torture right before He was crucified. I thought "How did you even find the strength to take it all the way to Calvary? I already wanted to give up 5 times on this 10 minutes walk home..."

But then, even if there was deep sorrow in his heart, there was something else way stronger and overpowering - love. He loved me, and you, and everyone else so much that even if it's super-duper-hard-painful to go all the way to Calvary, He would. Simply because to Him, IT IS ALL WORTH IT.

I am worth it to Jesus. It was me, you and everyone else that motivated and drove Him to the cross. I thought "I need something to drive me home, this 10 minutes walk is too long!"

In a split second which felt like ages, I ran through all the things I could make into what drives me...and I chose Jesus himself. I need Him, and even more so today.

I started brisk-walking home, eager to just get into my room and run into His embrace. And I did. I cried my lungs out in His arms, telling Him in the intervals between my sobs and a mixture of both about the sorrow I felt and how it tormented me, committed all that to Him and asked Him to lift it up, and whoa....I feel so much better now :)

A taste of disobedience.

Being a parent must be hard, especially to have your kid disobeying you when what you asked of them is really for their best.

I am not a parent (yet). But two weeks ago, I got a taste of how it feels like to have someone I treat as my kid to disobey me.

There was this kid I teach at a tuition centre my friend ran for underachieving kids in this place. She's smart and sharp, but she obviously doesn't know that. Two weeks ago, she totally disobeyed all my instructions to the the kids in my small class and simply refused to do anything I asked them to do. She started throwing her exercise book on the floor, screaming at another kid and then rubbed her exercise book furiously until it tore.

I had a very good reason to be angry at her behaviour. It was affecting the others in the small class too. Calming her down wasn't helping (maybe I suck at that :P). But strangely I didn't feel bit angry at all.

I was heartbroken, instead.

There is so much in her and I love her to bits. When she behaved so badly that day, I wanted to cry. I was sad that she disobeyed me, not angry. I can't imagine what's going on in her head then. However, I learnt from this experience that my God feels exactly the same way too when I disobey Him.

The last thing He wants to do is to punish me. He is slow to anger, quick to forgive. It would really break His heart if I disobeyed Him. He would be sad first... like how I felt that day two weeks ago.

Great lesson :)

999

This is another story of Malaysia being a boleh-land, where, really, anything can happen.

I had an emergency at home two days ago. It was 12am. I wanted to call the local police station but I didn't know their number. So I dialed '999', and guess what?

NO ANSWER.

It just rang on and on until I had to hang up.

Come on?! Someone could have died in my house that night.
I double-checked the next day whether the emergency number for the police is 999. It was indeed 999...sigh...

Too Demanding, Or Not.

It's no longer shocking nor surprising to get news of another incident of arbitrary use of powers by those entrusted with the enforcement of laws and civil rights in Malaysia. It happens. The only thing not constant about it is the frequency of it being reported in the news.

With the recent arrest of political scientist and Monash University lecturer, Wong Ching Huat, a series of other related arrests took place. Civilians who showed concern for the current instability in the Perak state assembly and Wong's arrest got arrested. The solicitors and legal aiders who represent those civilians got arrested. Looking at the rate the police is arresting people, I wonder if a person who merely walks pass the Traverse Police Station will get arrested.

None of the above persons was in anyway a threat to the peace and order of this nation, considering the fact that there is none at this moment. A guy sent a mass message out to others to wear black got arrested. And lawyers who were merely discharging their legal duty got arrested, not to mention one of them were only there because she had to drive her friend home. Tell me if there is order. The only order I see is the police repetitively arresting people. Perhaps we all end up in the lock-up, and no one is left on the streets, means peace and order. Haha.

This incident made headlines. But this is only one incident that did. Can you think of all the lay persons whose civil rights were infringed in the process of being arrested, or charged in court for a criminal offense without compliance with the necessary formalities to ensure the powers given to the law enforcers are not used according to their own whims and fancies? They are unheard of and unreported. And each time, the police escapes from the rightful consequences of misuse of their powers. What's worse...how many innocent people were denied their basic rights and put behind bars?

The arbitrary use of the powers by law enforcers is serious as it means civilians are constantly being denied their basic rights, such as the right to be legally represented, and the right to be informed of the offense that they are being arrested for.

It is only natural for us to demand an explanation and public apology for that from those who were involved, and those to whom they are accountable to. When no such explanation or reasonable justifications were given to support their actions, demanding for the resignation of the OCPD, the IGP and the Home Minister, is not too demanding. We live in a democratic country. If you can't perform, we would love to have someone else who can on that seat.

What say you?

If you like badminton...

For more information, please call Mr Hooi -0122139198.

A song that lifts me up

The heart is stronger than you think
Like it can go through anything
And even when you think it can't
It finds a way to just push on though

Sometimes you want to run away
Ain't got the patience for the pain
And if you don't believe it
Look into your heart
The beat goes on

I'm tellin' you that
Things get better
Through whatever

If you fall
Dust it off
Don't let up

Don't you know
You can go be your own miracle

You need to know
If the mind keeps thinking you've had enough
But the heart keeps telling you don't give up

Who are we to be questioning
Wondering what is what
Don't give up
Through it all just stand up

(This is stuck in my head)

Governmentless.

Went back to KK for Mother's Day, only to be welcomed home by a police road block :-S

There was some really dramatic show in the state assembly a couple of days ago. Security guards had to carry the chairperson out. Many would have thought things like this only happen in Taiwan. Well, I guess the motto does say something about us Malaysians... "Malaysia boleh!".

It's sad to know that politically, Perak is still unstable. The state government is illegal. We don't even know who is in charge for administration of the state.

We are stuck in between, and that sucks.

It is no wonder so many have lost hope in the states and constituencies representatives. They use beautifully tailored agendas to get the people's trust, but seemed to fail to deliver what they promised initially. Yes, no doubt there maybe difficulties in implementing their plans due to opposition (be it from the Fedral government or the Opposition itself), ultimately, the ones at lost and victimised are the people.

Did we vote for the right candidate? Or perhaps, our choices were simply the lesser of two, or more, evils?

I wonder...if I can make a difference.

It's OK, He Understands

I didn't want to leave a gap in the things I do. I hate to let go so suddenly, but I have no choice.

Things have gotten out of control. I bet you've been there before.

Even if no soul on earth does understand, it doesn't matter, because Jesus totally understand why I made that choice. And that is enough.

(If you are reading this and are going through the same thing, I hope this encourages you.)

Dad, You Are So Right.

Yesterday, I came too close to Death. He got his hands on me, and I smelled him wherever I go.

You're so stupid! He whispered.
Gosh, you are sooooo ugly. He jeered.
No one will accept you. He scoffed at me.
You will be alone forever. He shouted.
You won't be able to stand the pain. He commented.
Just end it, give up! He exclaimed.
You're disgusting. He insulted.
What a blunder you've made, tsk tsk tsk. He said.
You are so weak. He pointed out.
You're a total failure. He sneaked.

This is a real battle. I know my Saviour is fighting it with me, and for me.

'Jesus! Where are you?!!!' I cried out loud, only to be responded with stillness... and silence.
Then, Death kept quiet too. Dad must have shut him up. I thought... He was right by my side, and I asked "Why do I have to go through so many heartbreaks while others can have happily-ever-after stories? This excruciating pain is too much!"

Dad looked at me with the most tender eyes, with a glint of hurt in them, and asked "Do you trust me?"

Guilty! I sighed, "Sorry, I do..."

He pursed his lips, then said "I've got greater plans for you. Being comfortable won't get you anywhere. This part of you must die for more of me to come into you. Even when you walked through the valley of shadow of death, be it your own death or not, I will be with you. My rod and my staff shall comfort you."

...and most shockingly, He said "You are precious to me. And I AM RAVISHED by your beauty." I rolled my eyes and thought "Yeah, if there is any!"

"Don't see yourself as ugly just because they all end up with prettier ones. You must see how I see you. Would you rather someone like you for your good looks, or you would rather have someone like you for looking like ME inside?Appearence is of no value to me."

Gosh, Dad heard my thoughts :P
Sigh, Dad...You are so right.

"And stop crying already. The car beside you will get into an accident because the driver is looking at you crying." And yes, she was looking at me.

Ooops... :P

Walk Away.

Every cut to it
Every pain it took
From the words you said
From the things you did
Brick by brick
Piled up around my heart
Little did I know
That walls have been built around my heart

Tearing them down
Was not easy
I had to face the fears
I had to take chances
I might get hurt again
Or never love again
But in the end
His grace helped me through

My heart is now open
Waiting for His appointment
Knowing for sure
That His plan is so that I prosper
Then you came and said
Mistakes were what you made
You wanted 2nd chance
And tell me that I'm the one

What's the point?
She was what you wanted
She was who you chose
Just after a couple of days you said
That you want me to be the only one
Sorry to say
It's now too late
I found my completeness, I am now whole

Even though they say
'Why are you so cruel?'
But I am so secured
I will not be fooled
I can't complete you
I can't quench your thirst
It MUST be His unconditional love
You get complete first

It's not easy now
For me to say this
But I must walk away
I will walk away

:) :-) (",)

:)

A smile is infectious. Yes, it does funny things to my mind, sending me all the warm, fuzzy signals, melting my heart just slightly so my heartbeat remains normal.

A stranger old Indian lady smiled back at me yesterday morning. It triggered a whole train of thoughts, inevitably leading me back to the Creator of the world and 'smile's.

The cutest part was she wished me 'Good morning' in her sweet small voice when she walked pass me! Aww...she looked at me and I looked right into her eyes during that milisecond of verbal exchange. And I smiled even wider to her...and watched her give me a tiny nod. I looked at her until she walked out of sight, hunching a little.

This was my thought:
Truly, behind all those signs of age and physical deterioration, there can be immense beauty that touches the depths of one's heart. She was SO BEAUTIFUL.

That's the sort of beauty that touches souls. She reminded me of how God can be there caring for me even in the midst of trials and pain. She was a tiny reflection of who He is - SO BEAUTIFUL.

I can see rest in her eyes, hear strength in her voice, and feel God in her smile. That smile made such a huge difference to my day...and she was just a stranger.

:)

Love Note No.5

Proper Correction
www.tonycampolo.org

Trying to figure out how to correct a child is a difficult, but a brilliant story was told to me by the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi as an example of how it is best done.

Gandhi was born in South Africa, and after his university training, he went to India to lead the struggle against British colonialism. He had every intention of returning to South Africa to lead the struggle against apartheid, but sadly, as we all know, he was assassinated before he could do that. Gandhi's son took up his father's commitment to end apartheid, and so the family returned to South Africa to work toward that end.

His grandson Arun Gandhi told me that one day his father asked him to drive him to a meeting in Johannesburg.

"My father asked me to drop off the automobile at the repair garage and then be back at five o'clock to pick him up," he said.

The grandson went on to say,

"I dropped my father off for his meeting and got the car to the garage by one. Since it was a long time until five o'clock, I figured I could go to the movies, which I did. That day there was a double feature being shown, and when I got out I checked my watch and realised that it was past five o'clock!

"I rushed to the corner where my father had said he would be waiting for me, and when I saw him there, standing in the rain, I tried to think of excuses I could make. I rushed up to him and said,
"Father, you must forgive me. It is taking them longer to repair the automobile than I thought it would take, but if you wait here I will go and get the car. It should be ready by now."

"My father bowed his head and looked downward. He stood for a long moment and then he said, "When you were not here at our meeting time I called the garage to see why you were late. They told me the automobile was ready at three o'clock! Now I have to give some thought as to how I have failed, so as to have a son who would lie to his own father. I will have to think about this. So I am going to walk home and use the time during my walk to meditate on this question."

Arun Gandhi said,

"I followed my elderly father home that rainy, misty night, watching him stagger along the muddy road. I rode behind him with headlights of the car flashing ahead of his steps. And as I watched him stumbling toward home, I beat on the steering wheel and said over and over,
"I will never lie again!
I will never lie again!
I will never lie again!

It was obvious that this was a way of correcting a child that did not involve punishing the child directly, but showed the child how much hurt a parent feels when a child does what is wrong.

Love Note No. 4

"Do You Really Love Me?"
http://sivinkit.net

I will always remember what an old man told me. He said, before you close your eyes to meet the maker, significant moments of your life resurface in your mind. I am now moments away from my own execution, and I cannot help but remember the eventful day when I walked on the beach for the last time with my friends and my mentor.

We talked about "Love".

Love. I thought I knew what that meant. I believed I had it all sorted out - attraction to another woman, attention to children, even allegiance to my nation, my people, my religion. It was energizing, it captured my imagination, I was on fire...I was on the right side.

When we first met on the beach, he said to me, "Come and follow me." My life was never the same again. We walked the dusty roads of Palestine together. I began to see the terror of love more than the terror of hate.

He opened blind eyes.
He touched the untouchable.
He threw parties for prostitutes.
He played with children on the streets.
He was different, he spoke of a different way of loving.
He was love in action.
He was my friend.
I loved him.

But then one say everything went down the drain. He was arrested; my mentor. He became a threat to the powers. When he needed me most, when I could have stood up to be counted, when it mattered most - I failed. I screwed up. I denied him. Not once, not twice - three times!

I denied him three times.

But he saw it coming. I thought I would die for him - I told him I'd die for him.

But at the end, he died for me.

So when he came back, (yes, he came back from the dead), I couldn't ask for a second chance. No, surely that was too much to ask! I had already stepped onto the 'wrong' side. I betrayed my friend. I shattered the love between us.

We were walking on the beach when he asked,

"Do you love me?"

Do I love him?
What am I supposed to say?
Did I love him as a friend?
...but I had betrayed him.
Did I love him as a mentor?
...but I had denied him.
But did I love him?

I answered, "Yes". Perhaps, I could still love him with conditions and more realistic limits.

He answered,
"Go feed the hungry, and love people..."

He didn't stop. He asked again,
"Do you love me?"

I thought I could get away with the first answer. But there was no escape to his gentle piercing voice. It cut through my heart. I dug deep. Even though I had messed up, I still loved him and with whatever little I had left within me - maybe, I could still squeeze something out.

"Yes" I replied.

"Go and feed the hungry, and love people along the way..."

"Do you love me?"

He asked once more.

My mind crashed. My heart crumbled. I had nothing left to say...Did I love him unconditionally? Did I at least want to love him unconditionally? Could I still love him after failing more than once? Should I even dare to love him and do what he asked me to do, even after messing-up the way I did? Why isn't his love conditional? Why doesn't he lay out a new set of requirements for someone like me?

I knew I had nothing to hide from him - I was a wreck.
I was in pieces. I was a coward.
I was nobody. I had nothing.
I was nothing.
I thought I knew what love was.
The truth is - I didn't.
The truth is, I still don't.
At least not in the way he did.

He loved me unconditionally. His tears washed away my shame. His voice healed my soul. He cleared my guilt with just one look. His words picked me up. His questions didn't condemn me, instead, they put me back together again.

So I could still follow him a second time. So I could have a second chance. Was I to take it?

"Go and feed the hungry, and love people along the way...and you will be taken to places you don't want to go."

My life was no longer my own. Unconditional love changes you that way. It changes what you are attracted to. It directs what you pay attention to. It realigns who and what you give your allegiance to. Unconditional love breaks into pieces all the false securities I once held on to, put me together again, and showed me the road to true freedom, hope and courage.

I will breathe my last breath soon. Yet, I feel peace. I will meet him in a while. I walked away from our last stroll on the beach a new man. The years after that turned out to be the best years of my life. I can truly say now, I know to some measure what he meant by 'love' - unconditional love. Like him this new man was arrested to be crucified, and yet, I am still unworthy to die in the same way as my friend and master. This old man in me will die with no regret for saying "Yes" to his unconditional love and "Yes" to his call to "Go and feed the hungry, love people along the way."

I can truly say now - "Yes, I do love him". Because, once upon a time, when he asked,

"Do you love me?"
it was just his way of saying,
"I love you unconditionally, Peter".

Love Note No. 3

Love is what makes you smile when you are tired. - said a 4 year old

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. - said a 7 year old

Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imginable. - said Gandhi

Love is an act of endless forgiveness. A tender look which becomes a habit. - said Peter Ustinov

Love is not blind - It sees more and not less, but because it sees more it is willing to see less. - said Will Moss

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. - said Frank A. Clerk

Love is a choice we make because we see a cause greater than ourselves, and that cause is this _ LOVE. - said Sin Yee (hehe)