Insecurity Made Me a Desperado
John 5
Still struggling with insecurity. Today, I thank God for this struggle.
As I read this chapter, I realised that the Bible recorded encounters with Jesus of the demon-possessed man, the ruler whose daughter died and the woman with blood discharge problem. They cried out to Jesus for a touch from him without shame and desperately. Healing came to these desperadoes who dared to admit their need for Christ. The Bible has no records of miracles for those who say "I am OK" or "I'm fine, no thanks".
The insecurity i struggle with made me a desperado for Jesus. It made me long for Him in a way that 'perfect' people won't. It made me throw all I have down to run after Jesus.
I am glad to be going through this.
Disney Sunset
Disney Sunset
23.5.11
Journal 21.9.2010
Love Builds Up
1 Corinthians 8:1-3
...knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God.
I thought I know more about Christ than some people in my life. But the Lord convicted me and revealed to me how much I still do not know. I have to confess that so many times in my life I have allowed knowledge to puff me up, leading me into arguments on opinions about religion with people in my life. Instead, I should let the knowledge I gained teach me and guide me to love others, not puff me up or give me status.
Knowing more does not entitle me to behave in a way that will cause others to stumble.
1 Corinthians 8:1-3
...knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God.
I thought I know more about Christ than some people in my life. But the Lord convicted me and revealed to me how much I still do not know. I have to confess that so many times in my life I have allowed knowledge to puff me up, leading me into arguments on opinions about religion with people in my life. Instead, I should let the knowledge I gained teach me and guide me to love others, not puff me up or give me status.
Knowing more does not entitle me to behave in a way that will cause others to stumble.
Journal 13.9.2010
I love falling in love. It is a sudden rush of liveliness. It is getting overwhelmed with an invisible force that makes me see my whole in a totally different perspective.
It'll be nice if I can fall in love EVERYDAY! Imagine that.
But falling in love is merely a feeling. Momentary. Loving, on the other hand, is a whole different game. It is done consciously, triggered with a choice. It is eternal and has long-lasting effect, whereas falling in love is here this moment and gone the next.
Sure, loving is better. But if I can, I want to fall in love everyday, with Jesus, and with the people in my life.
It'll be nice if I can fall in love EVERYDAY! Imagine that.
But falling in love is merely a feeling. Momentary. Loving, on the other hand, is a whole different game. It is done consciously, triggered with a choice. It is eternal and has long-lasting effect, whereas falling in love is here this moment and gone the next.
Sure, loving is better. But if I can, I want to fall in love everyday, with Jesus, and with the people in my life.
Journal 4.8.2010
The Right Position
John 6: 10-11
Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there). Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.
Jesus said to the disciples 'Have the people sit down...' before he took the loaves, thank God for it, and then distributed it to those who were seated.
In this season of waiting for direction and an answer from God on where I should go with my job, the question thrown back to me by God was "Are you positioned to receive the answer?". God let us 'wait' for answers because He wants to make sure that we are in the right spiritual position before receiving it. It is important. If I am not positioned to receive, I won't get what I need, and will not be ready to take up the calling He has for me wholeheartedly. And I definitely wouldn't be able to handle the answer well.
If I want to receive the 'bread and fish' that I need, I must 1st position myself in a place of readiness, willingness, humility, obedience and in His presence (abiding).
John 6: 10-11
Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there). Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.
Jesus said to the disciples 'Have the people sit down...' before he took the loaves, thank God for it, and then distributed it to those who were seated.
In this season of waiting for direction and an answer from God on where I should go with my job, the question thrown back to me by God was "Are you positioned to receive the answer?". God let us 'wait' for answers because He wants to make sure that we are in the right spiritual position before receiving it. It is important. If I am not positioned to receive, I won't get what I need, and will not be ready to take up the calling He has for me wholeheartedly. And I definitely wouldn't be able to handle the answer well.
If I want to receive the 'bread and fish' that I need, I must 1st position myself in a place of readiness, willingness, humility, obedience and in His presence (abiding).
Journal 16.7.2010
Strengthened by Grace
Hebrews 13:9
Do not be led away by diverse ad strange teachings, for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace, not by foods, which have not benefited those devoted to them.
The writer of the Hebrews was emphasizing to the people to not buy what others advocate especially about getting life right by relying on works, material and other things besides the grace of God. Many people sought deliverance and redemption by sacrificing food to idols and thought that these foods will strengthen them and bring them peace. It is grace alone and not other things that gives us the strength we need to go through life on earth.
Food may strengthen my body, rest may add to it. But they don't strengthen my heart nor feed my soul. It is grace that has given me the strength needed to overcome and be in peace. In my struggles with insecurity, anxiety, sin, loneliness, fears, financial difficulties, it wasn't food or self-help books or Oprah that strengthen me to overcome. It was the grace of God revealed in the truths of God and His love.
God's grace works like an energy booster, a supernatural force that propels me beyond what I could be achieved in my own strength or in my reliance on food or other things. God's love and grace is like that fluid you add to your car fuel that supposedly makes your car run faster/more powerful.
When I struggle, knowing that God loves me, never leaves me, and other truths if God - grace - gives me the strength I need.
Hebrews 13:9
Do not be led away by diverse ad strange teachings, for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace, not by foods, which have not benefited those devoted to them.
The writer of the Hebrews was emphasizing to the people to not buy what others advocate especially about getting life right by relying on works, material and other things besides the grace of God. Many people sought deliverance and redemption by sacrificing food to idols and thought that these foods will strengthen them and bring them peace. It is grace alone and not other things that gives us the strength we need to go through life on earth.
Food may strengthen my body, rest may add to it. But they don't strengthen my heart nor feed my soul. It is grace that has given me the strength needed to overcome and be in peace. In my struggles with insecurity, anxiety, sin, loneliness, fears, financial difficulties, it wasn't food or self-help books or Oprah that strengthen me to overcome. It was the grace of God revealed in the truths of God and His love.
God's grace works like an energy booster, a supernatural force that propels me beyond what I could be achieved in my own strength or in my reliance on food or other things. God's love and grace is like that fluid you add to your car fuel that supposedly makes your car run faster/more powerful.
When I struggle, knowing that God loves me, never leaves me, and other truths if God - grace - gives me the strength I need.
Journal 9.7.2010
Faith & Patience
Hebrews 6:11 - 12
And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.
God who promised is faithful. He promised manking a saviour and gave His only Son Jesus. He promised Israelites freedom and delivered them from Egypt and slavery and led them to the promised land. When God promised something, He will keep it. His promises are a sure and steadfast anchor for our souls. I should not be anxious about anything but be anchored with His love and truths.
God promised the salvation of my loved ones and family. In the process of waiting for Him to come through, it is my faith and patience that He is seeking to develop. After all, He is more interested in my character than what I attain.
Inheritance of God's promises is certain. The variant is my faith and patience.
Hebrews 6:11 - 12
And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.
God who promised is faithful. He promised manking a saviour and gave His only Son Jesus. He promised Israelites freedom and delivered them from Egypt and slavery and led them to the promised land. When God promised something, He will keep it. His promises are a sure and steadfast anchor for our souls. I should not be anxious about anything but be anchored with His love and truths.
God promised the salvation of my loved ones and family. In the process of waiting for Him to come through, it is my faith and patience that He is seeking to develop. After all, He is more interested in my character than what I attain.
Inheritance of God's promises is certain. The variant is my faith and patience.
Journal 29.6.2010
Great is God's Love
Psalm 86
v. 5 - You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You.
v. 7 - In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.
v. 13 - For great is your steadfast love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
v. 17 - ...for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
Sometimes, life can be a struggle. Nevertheless, God has always been faithful to me. Even when I hardened my heart, He never stopped loving me and being there for me. Focusing on my loved ones and family's not-yet-salvation causes me to be anxious. And in struggling with this anxiety, I have sinned by letting it rule me.
But thankfully, God's love is great enough to help me sail through this storm. Whatever the struggle, His love is great enough to help me through.
Psalm 86
v. 5 - You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You.
v. 7 - In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.
v. 13 - For great is your steadfast love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
v. 17 - ...for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
Sometimes, life can be a struggle. Nevertheless, God has always been faithful to me. Even when I hardened my heart, He never stopped loving me and being there for me. Focusing on my loved ones and family's not-yet-salvation causes me to be anxious. And in struggling with this anxiety, I have sinned by letting it rule me.
But thankfully, God's love is great enough to help me sail through this storm. Whatever the struggle, His love is great enough to help me through.
24.3.11
Oxymoron You and Me
Think about this: So many of us think or thought that we are ordinary. But, we also acknowledge the fact that each one of us is uniquely created and hence our different thumb-prints. So...we are not really ordinary but extraordinary, are we?
I know that in God's eyes we are all extraordinary since an extraordinary God created us. Even if some of us think that we are ordinary, God can use us ordinary people to do extraordinary things... take Mother Theresa for example. So which is correct? She was created extraordinary? Or was it ordinary her who did extraordinary things?
We are oxymoron-ic creatures. Yes we are.
4.2.11
Malaysian Chinese New Year
One thing I love about living in Malaysia and being a Malaysian is when one race celebrates their festival, all races within the nation celebrate it together. This was my experience back in Kuala Kangsar yesterday on the 1st day of the Chinese New Year.
My very-Chinese family attended a Malay kenduri on the 1st day of 'bunny year'. The canopy occupied the road in front of a stretch of over 10 houses! Streets were blocked to make space for cars to park. It was crowded and yet the warmth of the people being there to celebrate someone's son or daughter's marriage was deeply felt. It's like everyone knew everyone. (Honesly, I still have no idea whose wedding it was :P )
Even the ice-cream pakcik gave free ice-cream to guests!
A deejay-who-works-from-home (literally) was hired, probably a relative to the host?
The whole kompang gang was there to perform some traditional Malay music too! (check out the gong-man)
My dad bumped into many people that he knew at the kenduri, some are government servants as he is, some are long-time neighbours from his childhood! (Btw, my dad is more than half a century old) But the one that really stuck with me was the 'hair cut pakcik'!
This pakcik was my dad's neighbour when he was a kid. He testified that my dad used to always fight with my aunt while they were playing outside the house. His exact word were 'selalu gaduh dengan ah moi!' Even after my dad has moved, he visitted the pakcik regularly by bringing my brothers to his hair salon or himself for a hair cut! Yes, this pakcik has been and is still cutting hair (already 46 years and still going!) The last time I checked, his hair salon is still wooden, and open :D
I love kampung-style holidays and festivals. No matter the race and background, we all celebrate it together like one big family. It will definitely be something I will remember about my hometown, and something about Malaysia that I hope will never change :)
My very-Chinese family attended a Malay kenduri on the 1st day of 'bunny year'. The canopy occupied the road in front of a stretch of over 10 houses! Streets were blocked to make space for cars to park. It was crowded and yet the warmth of the people being there to celebrate someone's son or daughter's marriage was deeply felt. It's like everyone knew everyone. (Honesly, I still have no idea whose wedding it was :P )
Even the ice-cream pakcik gave free ice-cream to guests!
A deejay-who-works-from-home (literally) was hired, probably a relative to the host?
The whole kompang gang was there to perform some traditional Malay music too! (check out the gong-man)
My dad bumped into many people that he knew at the kenduri, some are government servants as he is, some are long-time neighbours from his childhood! (Btw, my dad is more than half a century old) But the one that really stuck with me was the 'hair cut pakcik'!
This pakcik was my dad's neighbour when he was a kid. He testified that my dad used to always fight with my aunt while they were playing outside the house. His exact word were 'selalu gaduh dengan ah moi!' Even after my dad has moved, he visitted the pakcik regularly by bringing my brothers to his hair salon or himself for a hair cut! Yes, this pakcik has been and is still cutting hair (already 46 years and still going!) The last time I checked, his hair salon is still wooden, and open :DI love kampung-style holidays and festivals. No matter the race and background, we all celebrate it together like one big family. It will definitely be something I will remember about my hometown, and something about Malaysia that I hope will never change :)
26.1.11
Journal 12.4.2010
2 Corinthians 12:9
Paul wrote to the Corinthians about being humble before God and not to boast of oneself but to be less self-glorifying so that God will be more in their lives.
The more I boast about how well I did and how capable I am, the lesser God gets the glory and credit which He deserves.
I began many things with a sincere desire to glorify God but ended up taking all the credit myself. I hide my weaknesses so that I can appear great. Yes, a hypocrite I am. The truth is I have weaknesses that I am ashamed of letting the world know. As much as the world tells me to hide it, the Bible teaches me otherwise so that there may be an opportunity for God to be exalted. My weaknesses should not be my shame but the stepping stones for great God-stories and doors leading me to God's mighty things. Every weakness is an opportunity for God to shine!
19.1.11
Judge Not
I wanted to express how hard it was to love an imperfect dear one and that I was hurt by what this dear one had said to me.
But before I said anything, I was reminded of how I too am imperfect. I ought to look at the log in my eye before I point out the speck on the other person's eye. Judge not for Jesus didn't judge me.
I kept quiet.
Loving without regard to the hurt is difficult. Guess that it why we need Jesus to teach us how to.
6.1.11
Journal 28.3.2010
Luke 7:36-50
The jar of perfume represented the sinful woman's lost dreams and disappointments in life. It reminded her of never finding/having a husband and incidents where men have abused her. But when Jesus came into town, she took the jar to him, broke it at his feet. She was judged for doing that, but Jesus said that she has loved much and her faith has made her well/saved her.
Just like the woman, I have disappointments bottled up in my life. I am disappointed with God for my uncle's death and the unfulfilled promises and I am disappointed with myself. I am drowning in my disappointments. It feels like I fell into a pit and God isn't lifting me up.
Perhaps, I should do what the woman did. Take my bottle of disappointments to Jesus, break it at his feet and have faith, trust that God will come through in His time. I need to do that.
5.1.11
Journal 22.1.2010
(an excerpt)
Jesus: I am not here to make you love me. I am here simply to love you.
Journal 19.1.2010
(an excerpt)
Just got back from Sunway Pyramid. Watched 'Old Dogs' with Amanda. It was better than I'd expected!
Don (Robin William)'s character spoke into my heart. He gave up work and moved to be near his family, his children. Ultimately he just wants to be with his kids. Whatever the timing, he loves them, and wants to be there for them.
That's the heart of my heavenly Father! He just wants to be with me and be there for me no matter what and irregardless of seasons, all because He loves me. Whether it's at a crossroad, in work, in relationship, in business and even in my daily routine, my Creator just wants to be with me in every moment. He had given up everything to be near to me. That's the ultimate example of loving out of choice, not feeling.
I am smothered in His love.
Journal 2.2.2010
Exodus 33:8-9
When Moses enters the tent of meeting to meet with the Lord, the cloud representing the presence of God will descend onto the tent and stay there until Moses leaves the tent.
God draws near to those who draw near to Him. He isn't a distant God who wants no involvement in our businesses. He desires to meet with us and is delighted if we take time to meet Him. When I genuinely and intentionally seek God, He will come meet me, like how He would come to meet Moses at the tent. I have used excuses like busyness or exhaustion or "I can do it later" to not intentionally meet God. It's always put aside to later. When I feel dry spiritually, I find myself blaming Him for not speaking but how can I hear Him if I don't even take time and intentionally seek Him, right?
The truth is God will surely come meet me if I genuinely seek Him and go into my own "tent" to meet Him. He is definitely someone who loves communicating with me. The lie that I hear about God won't respond is not true! If I intentionally seek Him, He will surely come meet me.
Sowing What I've Received
I re-read my journal as I did reflection on my journey with Jesus in 2010. It's been a testing year, but all trials are for my good. I am glad that God seeks to refine me and bring me back to the foundation of His love in every aspect in my life.
Every word spoken into my life as written in my journal represents a seed planted by God. One of the reasons God did so is so that I will sow the seeds which I received. So I will be sharing some of my journal posts here. I pray that you will be blessed by it. Happy 2011!
14.12.10
Pray.
Praying - is apparently a huge thing.
ALL religions practice it.
Even people who don't believe in God's existence cry out in prayer when they are in dire need.
Justin Bieber sang about it.
So what is it to you?
I do it too. Everytime I pray, it's not the same.
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I declare truths that break the power of negative thoughts.
Sometimes I simply tell the recipient of my prayers how my day was, how I feel.
Sometimes I just listen.
Prayer is conversation.
I pray to connect with my Helper, my Creator, my Dad who listens to everything, who answers in His time.
Without prayer, life would be meaningless, without hope, without a clear direction.
I recently found this picture that touched my heart.
I love the fact that prayer changes things.
It changes me.
I'm in need of that connection with my Creator that comes only through prayer.
So, yes, praying is really a huge thing.
30.11.10
Putting a smile on their faces.
The outreach event at Angsana USJ 1 last Saturday was an awesome success!
By God's grace, we put a smile on over 120 kids' faces and I was personally inspired by the genuine love shown by the volunteers towards the kids and their families.
Starting point - We met at Project Fireflies centre
Some kids were so semangat that they waited at the field since 8.30am!
So the volunteers had to keep them entertained until registration start.
Even Lionel Messi didn't want to miss the fun!
Good things come in 2's?
Registration.
Joanne, Stephanie and Jochebed doing their stuff.
Our MC briefing the kids.
The balloon-team getting their gear ready.
And the fun began!
Boys were divided into teams for the football competition.
Coach Mahesh: Hari ini strategi kami adalah untuk makan ais krim!
Coach Kerry: Jangan pandang mak-we sambil main bola tau!
Fuiyoh! Girls playing football! Way to go!
Alamak! Collision on the field!
Thank God we had Dr Stephen on-call :)
Most girls went for gymnastics/dance.
We had a few younger boys too!
Colourful ribbons in action!
Swing it!
Coach SinYee: Luruskan tangan tu, nanti terbelit kang...
Coach Tammy: .... (limited Malay :P)
Whee! This is so fun!
Guitar workshop was the only programme under a shed.
They were cranking up under the canopy...
Some kids were pretty serious on learning to be a rockstar!
Guitar teachers: Tekan sini sini sana sini.
While all the fun was going on, volunteers served their parents :-
By baby-sitting younger children who weren't old enough to join the programmes!
Nanny Gaby: Babies love me cos I'm comfy :)
Kids saw the Media team at work and asked:
"Teacher, camera tu untuk TV ke? Yang tu 8tv punya ke?"
Josh: Kami dari Channel 6 KC TV...
Kids: *scratches head* ???
Syazwan, one of the kids from Project Fireflies, showing off his paparazi pose.
After an hour of fun, kids and their families were given their treats:
Free ice-cream!
Courtesy of the Last Polka.
Nutella...Horlicks...Malt + PB...Black Sesame...
Eeni mini maini mo.
Kids enjoying the ice-cream with their parents.
I have to say that it was a privilege to be part of this successful outreach.
Well done people! I am already looking forward to see the kids at Angsana for Project Fireflies :)
PS: The Project Fireflies centre is open every Wednesday and Friday for kids from unfortunate /underprivileged families to come for English and Maths tuition, do their homework, learn arts and crafts, play games and just hang out. Drop-by Angsana flats Block H 1st unit on the left corner if you like :D I am sure the kids will be happy to meet you.
God bless~!
22.11.10
Kids Ice Cream Day!
KingdomUni of Kingdom City Church PJ believes that God has called the church to rise up and go out to a world that is in need of Christ. In line with its passion for this nation, KingdomUni is having an outreach event on 27.11.2010 from 9.00am until 12.30pm at Angsana USJ 1, Subang Jaya.
In this outreach event, there will be football competition, dance/gymnastics lesson and guitar
workshop with prizes and gifts all going on at the open-concrete field behind the Angsana low cost flats. At the end of the event, all kids will get free feel-good ice cream, courtesy of the Last Polka.This event is a collaboration between KingdumUni and
Project Fireflies which is a community project started by people who're passionate about making a difference in the lives of less fortunate under-achieving children in USJ 1.
If you would like to get involved either by volunteering on the day of the event, or make a donation to Project Fireflies, please check out this video : http://vimeo.com/16720393
Here are the links to some of the photos of Project Fireflies :-
Children Medical Camp -
Fireflies Graduation -
Transforming Angsana -
I am looking forward to this event and seeing the smiles on the faces of the children who will come, and also see the joy in their eyes as they head home after the event.
Look out for the photos of the outreach! :)
16.11.10
Insignificantly Famous.
There's a new movie in my Favourite-List : Unstoppable.
I watched it last Saturday with Teng Yung, and we both liked it a lot. It's intense and every minute gives an on-the-edge feeling. The best part is that it is inspired by true events!
Denzel Washington and Chris Pine's characters, Frank Barnes and Will Colson were based on 2 men named Jon Hosfeld and Mike Smith who actually lived the story depicted in the blockbuster movie that happened on 15th May 2001. So many people lived because of their courage in risking their own lives to stop the rain, now known as the 'Crazy Eights'.
After watching the movie, I thought about how awesome that it is inspired by true events. It hit me that those events really happened, and those men really did it! But if it wasn't for the movie, me and so many people wouldn't have known about this significant event.
There must have been incidents in our lives where real people risked their lives or made sacrifices to save us or to make a real-significant-meaningful difference. But they never made the news, and even if it did, it wouldn't have been as famous as 'Who's Justin Bieber Dating Now' or 'Lady Gaga's Meat Purse'.
I know many people in my life like Hosfeld. What they've done may be insignificant on the world's scale of significance in comparison to other news. But to me, they are the real famous people, and they are really insignificantly famous. Eternally significant.
Do you know someone like that in your own life? :)
If yes, I would love to hear from you.
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